Tough Pigs regular David Beukema had so much fun getting in touch with his poetic side, he told us he bet he could come up with a haiku for every single episode of The Muppet Show. So that's exactly what he's going to do. David's going to write one hundred and twenty Muppet Show haikus, and I'll be posting them here, one season per week, until we're out of seasons. Now, what better place to start than with season one? Take it away, David Beukema!
Mahna Mahna scats
That call was collect.
Bert’s a ladies’ man.
He picks up Connie Stevens.
EPISODE 103: JOEL GREY
Pachalafaka
Is the song you sing to meet
Turkish transvestites.
EPISODE 104: RUTH BUZZI
Buzzi and Sweetums
Are star-crossed lovers who fight.
How will the kids look?
EPISODE 105: RITA MORENO
Crazy Marvin Suggs
Bangs Muppaphones night and day.
I hope they’re insured.
EPISODE 106: JIM NABORS
Here we meet Scooter.
Please ignore his presence in
Three earlier shows.
EPISODE 107: FLORENCE HENDERSON
Galley Oh Hoop Hoop!
Kermit the Frog narrates some
Hot alien porn!
EPISODE 108: PAUL WILLIAMS
Send me to Pittsburgh,
Short travel agent. But got
Anything cheaper?
EPISODE 109: CHARLES AZNAVOUR
Gonzo wears a dress
The poor guy's got more issues
Than Reader's Digest
EPISODE 110: HARVEY KORMAN
Harvey does it all!
No one can accuse him of
Being chicken. Cluck!
EPISODE 111: LENA HORNE
R! I say R-A!
R-A-G! R-A-G-G!
Rag! George loves this act.
EPISODE 112: PETER USTINOV
The writing Hatrack
Is wed to a chair. Oh man!
Think of the splinters!
EPISODE 113: BRUCE FORSYTH
A burning question:
Who the hell is Bruce Forsyth?
Who cares? That duck rules!
EPISODE 114: SANDY DUNCAN
Downing whiskey shots
Dancing in bars with monsters.
A nice girl, indeed!
EPISODE 115: CANDICE BERGEN
Kermit tells Candice
Last week, Sweetums ate the guest.
Poor Sandy Duncan.
EPISODE 116: AVERY SCHREIBER
Honeydew invents
The Gorilla Detector.
Some bugs to work out…
EPISODE 117: BEN VEREEN
Ben says dynamite
And Crazy Harry pops up.
One airborne guest star.
EPISODE 118: PHYLLIS DILLER
Will someone please get
That Hugga Wugga dude some
Afrin nasal spray?
EPISODE 119: VINCENT PRICE
On the DVDs,
Thanks to Carole King’s demands,
Vincent’s got no friends.
EPISODE 120: VALERIE HARPER
Statler goes gaga
Over Valerie. Why not?
Rhoda was a fox!
EPISODE 121: TWIGGY
Uncle Deadly rocks.
Haunting the show and many
Poor Muppet fans’ dreams.
EPISODE 122: ETHEL MERMAN
Ethel versus Pig.
The all-time diva match-up.
Take some notes, Britney.
EPISODE 123: KAYE BALLARD
The band is on strike.
The frog’s gotta watch out for
Those puppet unions.
EPISODE 124: MUMMENSCHANZ
Mummenschanz are weird.
Let’s move on to normal guests,
Like Shields and Yarnell.
Big thanks to David for sharing his mad haiku skillz, and to Muppet Wiki for photo assistance! Come back a week from today for haikus about every episode of season two! Click here to comment on this article seventeen syllables at a time on the Tough Pigs forum!
ToughPigsRyan@yahoo.com
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