Ernie: The Crumby Choice

First, let me say thank you to ToughPigs.com for hosting this debate, and thank you to Mr. Strand for having the courtesy to attend. While I respect Mr. Strand’s arguments of the benefits to an Ernie/Bert Presidency, I cannot sit idly by while American voters are being swayed by two young men with a history of trickery, blatant deceit, and a track record of illegal activity. Aside from the fact that Gobo Fraggle would make a brilliant President, Ernie has proven to the American public time and time again that he can’t even be trusted with a plate of cookies, let alone the national budget.

Ernie’s, for the lack of a better word, “jerkitude” has been well documented. Generally, Ernie’s jerk-like tendencies have been directed at his roommate, better known as his running mate, Bert. The candidate from Sesame Street has reportedly convinced his running mate to say that he “8 the sandbox,” to talk to elephants on a banana, and to be chased by four-eyed monsters. Ernie has woken Bert up from deep sleeps to be reminded to take a nap, to play his radio, to tell him that the room has gone quiet, to count sheep, to count fire engines, to count balloons, to play his drums, and to invite a team of sheep into their bedroom for a musical number.

Ernie has posed as a doctor to examine Bert on several occasions without receiving a medical degree. He has gotten Bert kicked out of movie theaters after he himself made too much noise. He has lured Bert into playing games and singing songs, only to cruelly quit once Bert starts to enjoy himself. He has flooded their apartment more than once, put a fish in Bert’s cowboy hat, eaten Bert’s share of pizza, eaten Bert’s share of licorice, eaten Bert’s share of cookies, and eaten Bert’s share of cherries (nature’s gumdrop).

If this is the way he treats his best friend and running mate, how will he treat the American public? Do you really want a President who will get cookie crumbs in your bed?

His running mate, Bert is hardly worthy of the White House himself. According to sources, he can’t even beat a pigeon at a simple game of checkers. He has a history of cross-dressing, not just in the privacy of his own home, but also on stage in front of an audience (while Gobo and Red support alternate lifestyles, a lifestyle like Bert’s should not be kept a secret from his constituents). Perhaps most importantly, Bert serves as the president of a secret organization dedicated to the love of W, of which Ernie is also a member. W has given us eight years of difficulties, including economic crisis and war, and Bert is not only a supporter of W’s administration but a dues-paying member!Ernie has a history of waffling. In 1969, he declared that his favorite number was 2. Immediately after, he changed his mind and announced that his favorite number was 7. Just a few years later, he stated that his favorite number is 8,243,721. Can we afford to elect a President who chooses favorite numbers so willy-nilly? Why, I feel dirty just pluralizing the term “favorite numbers.”

Ernie has also been seen fraternizing with a man only known as “Lefty.” This man is guilty of grand larceny (for stealing the golden AN), alphabet trafficking, and conspiracy. We have film footage of Ernie buying certain letters of the alphabet from Lefty, as well as empty boxes, city property (such as stop signs), and invisible desserts. Who knows what other sorts of illegal dealings with which Ernie has involved himself. And that’s not to mention his perception of the value of a nickel.

Public planning is not one of Ernie’s strong suits. In one notable example, he double-booked his own bathroom for both Bert’s bath and a street-wide sing-along session. When confronted with this issue, Ernie blatantly ignored the pleas of his helpless running mate and commenced with the singing and public embarrassment.

According to paleontologists, Ernie and Bert have lived since the time of cavemen. That would make them thousands of years old. Are they too old to be able to relate to the common American man or woman? Are they out of touch with the needs of 99% of the country? In a word: Yes. In two words: Yes Yes.

It is our duty as Americans to choose the best candidate for the Presidency, and the best person in this race is an easy choice: Gobo Fraggle. Between Ernie’s sharing issues and his utter disregard for his fellow man, he would prove to be an incompetent world leader. But where his flaws start, Gobo’s strengths begin. Just look at his bond with his fellow Fraggles for proof. While Ernie can’t manage to share one stick of licorice, the Fraggle share their dreams. While Ernie plays cruel, pointless tricks on his buddy Bert, Gobo often leads his friends out of dangerous situations and back to the comfort of the Rock. We deserve a President who will lead us home, and that man is a Fraggle.Special thanks go out to Anthony Strand, who did just as much work on the ToughPigs election special as I did!

Head on over to the ToughPigs forum to cast your vote for the candidate you think would make the best President! Polls close at 9pm EST on November 4th! And be sure to vote in the for-real election on the same day!

Click here to talk trash about the guy who taught you the alphabet on the ToughPigs forum!

joe.toughpigs@gmail.com

Gobo? NO!

My esteemed colleague, Mr. J. M. Hennes, argued earlier this week in favor of a Gobo Fraggle Presidency. He worked hard to paint Gobo as someone who will strengthen the United States and extend a radish leaf of peace to all the nations of the world. It’s a commendable thought, and I certainly respect Joe’s right to feel that way. But the truth of the matter is this – Gobo Fraggle is completely unfit for the job of President.

Now, I could go down the expected path and paint Fraggle society as Socialistic. I could even make an unfair comparison between the name of Gobo’s running mate and the symbolic color of Communism, as seen in ugly propaganda like this:


But I’m not that person. There are many things about Fraggle culture that I admire and respect. I think one day this country would do very well to elect a Fraggle as President. But today is not that day, and Gobo is not that Fraggle. Simply put, the man is selfish and full of himself. He has frequently boasted of his self-reliance and the uselessness of relying on others. “I knew I was good,” he says proudly, with an egotistical grin.

His running mate isn’t much better, proclaiming for all to hear that, “All I need is me, me, me!” She has also shown a fool-hardy obliviousness to the achievements of others. When the Minstrels made their first appearance in Fraggle Rock, she cared only that she was the first one in the pool. Are these the type of people you want running your nation? People who put themselves first and have, in the past, bickered between themselves over who is “the leader”?

I don’t mean to dwell on Red Fraggle’s character, but she has shown an unfortunate willingness in the past to change her personality in order to win the affection of others. Ernie’s running mate, on the other hand, is very proud of being square, and wouldn’t change who he is for any reason.

I’d like to talk for a moment about Mr. Hennes’ specific claims. He mentioned the Last of the Lily Creatures in his pitch. Red’s treatment of that very important animal shows exactly how she and Gobo will treat the rest of this country. She promised she would come back to look after him, but the record shows that she never, ever did.

Mr. Hennes also stated that Gobo would end reliance on foreign radishes. Yet when has Gobo ever attempted to start a radish farm? His entire life has been spent stealing them from the Gorgs or, in the form of Doozer sticks, the Doozers. The Gobo/Red platform is built on empty promises, and there’s no indication that this will change in the future.

His claims that Gobo has a solid track record on foreign policy are simply ridiculous. Gobo spent years treating Doozers like scum and cowering in irrational fear of the Gorgs. A sudden change of heart at the end doesn’t erase that. He has also never taken a clear stand on the environment, switching back and forth between positions based on what his close advisor Convincing John told him to do. This long-standing ignorance is frightening, and sure to be repeated during his Presidency.

Convincing John, of course, is hardly the worst of Gobo’s advisors. Mr. Hennes very proudly stresses Gobo’s connection to his uncle, “Traveling” Matt Fraggle, calling him a capable explorer. Surely even Gobo’s most ardent supporters can see that the man is an embarrassment, a loose cannon and a huge albatross around the campaign’s neck. He thinks chewing gum makes your tongue explode. I can’t stress that enough.

Even some within Gobo’s own ticket have spoken out against Matt. Before the campaign started, Red frequently spoke out against him and refused to listen to his gibberish letters from “outer space.” She teased Gobo about the connection, saying “You’re as crazy as your uncle Matt.” What if he is? Are the American people willing to take that risk?

As I mentioned, Gobo genuinely believes that his uncle Matt is exploring outer space. In fact, he is exploring the Earth. Gobo Fraggle cannot tell the difference between:

Outer Space

And the Earth

Think about that.

Now, Gobo Fraggle is certainly an appealing figure. He’s youthful, he’s enthusiastic, and he has big plans. It’s easy to be tempted to vote for him after his rousing speeches and memorable songs. But at heart, Gobo Fraggle will always put Gobo Fraggle first. We need a President who’ll put the American people first, and Ernie is it.

Seriously, though, I’d like to thank our own Joe Hennes for making all of the photoshopped images for this series of articles. That’s all Joe, folks. I tip my hat to him.

He'll be back tomorrow with some preposterous anti-Ernie slander.

Click here to cower in fear of the Gorgs on the Tough Pigs Forum.

Ernie/Bert '08

Yesterday, Joe posted his arguments in favor of a Gobo Fraggle Presidency. On Thursday and Friday of this week, we will refute each other's statements. Be sure to come back for that.

Ernie. He knows how to dream big. The most remarkable thoughts he thinks have a way of being true. Ernie is the only candidate in this race who can mold reality to his will. Now he’s ready to take that large imagination and dedicate it to the United States of America. With his running mate Bert, he’ll do whatever it takes to lead this country into a bright and shining new era.

Ernie is a man of conviction. He can’t imagine anyone he’d rather be other than Ernie, and he’s known for seeing his plans through to the end, even if those around him can’t immediately see the value in his actions. He’s no self-absorbed fanatic, however. When he has to, Ernie is more than willing to put down the Duckie in favor of serving the greater good. As President, he’ll do what’s best for the people of the United States, not what’s best for himself. By the hilarious musical sting at the end of his first four years, he’ll have carried out big plans on these issues and more:

The Economy

Ernie hails from Sesame Street, and he knows how to cut government spending. He and Bert have shared an apartment for nearly forty years, and they haven’t spent a dime – not on food, not on utilities, and certainly not on earmarks. Also, both Ernie and his running mate have experience in helping workers see the value in their jobs. Ernie, during his stint as Old King Cole, showed his fiddlers three how to form a trio and Bert taught sheep how blankets are made. They’ll continue this commitment to the American worker from the White House.

Education

Education is not even an issue in this campaign, because my candidates are so far ahead of the other platform. They have a collective 78 years of experience in early childhood education, having dealt with subjects ranging from sharing to counting to keeping your room clean. Even with their decades of experience, they aren’t senile or out-of-touch. They’re veterans, but they’re as youthful – and as eager to help the children of America – today as they were in 1969.

The Environment

Ernie is an avid gardener, and he and Bert have spent time on America’s farms, even briefly running one of their own. VP candidate Bert has shown a remarkable vigilance in aiding our feathered friends over the years, even teaching one special bird how to play checkers. They will ensure that our precious natural resources – both our flora and our fauna – get the love and attention they so richly deserve.

Foreign Policy

Ernie and Bert have real, tangible international experience. In their careers, they have adapted to dozens of different cultures – Egypt, The Netherlands, and Brazil, to name only a few. They’ve not only visited, they’ve taken the time to learn local language and customs fluently. This international focus doesn’t mean they’re light on homeland security. Ernie defeated a dragon – the ultimate terrorist – just by saying “Mr. Dragon, you better behave.” And the dragon was so scared of him that it ran away, and the Kingdom was free. Ernie’s simple, decisive tactics will keep this nation safe.

Health Care

Ernie has a unique solution to the current health care situation – instead of relying on insurance companies, the American people should learn to take better care of themselves and each other. He demonstrated how to care for a sick friend when Bert came down with a cold, and he taught Cookie Monster how to eat a healthy breakfast. We don’t need to wait until after something bad has happened, he says. We can prevent it from ever happening in the first place. With the help of President Ernie, we can get free of the suffocating gasp of insurance and breathe freely.

Immigration

As you may expect from a man with his experience in world travels, Ernie welcomes immigrants to Sesame Street, and he’d do the same for the nation at large. For decades, he has allowed a thriving community of Twiddlebugs to reside in his window sill. They live independently, according to their own cultural customs, but they enjoy all the rights and freedoms of any other Sesame Street resident. He’ll take your tired, your poor, your Twiddled masses, and welcome them with open arms.

Space Travel

As he has stated many times, Ernie would like to visit the moon on a rocketship high in the air. Outer space – the real outer space, not his opponent’s cockamamie name for the Earth – is this nation’s future, and Ernie knows it. He knows that commercial space travel is the next logical step in this country’s development, and he won’t stop until someone like himself with no formal training can easily take that trip.

Ernie. He’ll spend all day developing innovative ways to attack this nation’s problems head-on, and he’ll keep his vice president up all night if that’s what it takes to see them through to completion. Can we afford anything less?

Click here to imagine an Ernie presidency on the Tough Pigs Forum.

Gobo/Red '08

Over the next several days, ToughPigs will be posting a series of articles related to next week's big Presidential election: Ernie and Bert vs. Gobo and Red. At the end of the week, go to the ToughPigs forum to vote for your favorite candidate!

Our country is currently in a state of crisis. The stock market continues to drop, unemployment is at an all-time high, and our fellow citizens are in constant fear of being thwomped by a Gorg. This is a time for change. And that change goes by the name Gobo Fraggle. Along with his running mate, Red Fraggle, he will end our reliance on foreign radishes, promote the “30-Minute Work Week” program, and reach out an olive branch to Inkspots, Poison Cacklers, and Ditzies throughout the Rock.

Economy
Many patriotic citizens already take part in the 30-Minute Work Week, including the Pipebangers, the Moon Greeter, and the Minstrels. Gobo and Red will invite all creatures, both Silly and otherwise, to participate, leaving more time for singing and dancing and playing games. In time, our country will run much more smoothly, and we will have the opportunity to set aside Doozer Sticks in high interest savings accounts for our futures and the futures of our children.

Education
As the candidates from Fraggle Rock know, there is no better education system than that of experience and tradition. Our children will learn about government through the semi-annual Ruler of the Rock Day. They will learn about physical fitness at the Fraggle Pond. They will learn vital communication skills on Joke Day. The limits to what they will learn and share with each other are as endless as the depths of the Echo Hole.

Environment
Fraggles such as Gobo and Red care more about our fragile environment more than anyone. Through his explorations, Gobo has taken appreciation of all types and sizes of species. From fauna like the Blustering Bellowpane Monster to flora like the Grapes of Generosity to minerals such as the Belching Boulder, Gobo has taken steps to allow for every plant, animal, and cavern to thrive in their own environment. Red Fraggle has even made a personal mission to preserve the Last of the Lily Creatures so he may live his life with the dignity he truly deserves.

Foreign Policy
With the close guidance of Marjory, the all-knowing Trash Heap, Gobo and Red will continue to strengthen relationships between the Fraggles, Gorgs, Doozers, and Silly Creatures. It cannot be denied that certain members of the Gorg clan have been shown to harbor terrorist tendencies, but Gobo promises to send troops into Gorg territory to clear the air of all ill thoughts toward creatures of different beliefs. He will also be utilizing his Operation: Radish project in order to show the codependency of our very different, yet interweaving, cultures. Having been incarcerated within Gorg country in the past, Gobo has the experience necessary to deal with the Gorgs as both a threat and an ally. His running mate, Red, will use her diplomatic connections to create a peaceful connection the Doozer community, while his Uncle Traveling Matt will carry on his exploratory mission through Outer Space as he makes continued contact with all types of Silly Creatures. Together, they will build bridges across the species barrier and bring a unity to the Universe.

Health Care
Continuing with his effort of employing people of great talent to his personal staff, Gobo has brought Boober Fraggle into his inner circle to council on the constant threats of disease, pestilence, phobias, death, paranoia, and superstition. Through proper diet and sterilization, he will make sure to keep people everywhere healthy and happy. He will also implement a national program to enforce mandatory Baloobius testing in public schools. As long as he serves in Gobo’s cabinet, he will ensure that there will never be another occurrence like the great Pebble Pox outbreak of 1985.

Immigration
Always an explorer at heart, Gobo encourages everyone to find a home wherever they feel most comfortable, whether it be locally or abroad, and whether it means leaving the Rock or becoming a citizen in another land. People may want to find a cave of one’s own, perhaps in the Caves of Boredom or the Cavern of Lost Dreams, or they may even move to an undisclosed desert location. Likewise, the door to our country will always be open to anyone small enough to fit through it.

Space Travel
After succeeding in his duty to capture the moon, Gobo has turned his sights elsewhere to further our knowledge of what lies beyond the Rock. He has employed the capable (and not at all clumsy) Traveling Matt to explore the entirety of Outer Space and report back to his nephew on a regular basis. If the success of his travels continues, Gobo, Red, and their cabinet may soon partake on an Outer Space mission themselves by the year 2010.

When you go to the voting cave on Election Day, remember Gobo and Red Fraggle. They will vow to use the experience they gained in the Fraggle Wars, the Finger of Light campaign, and the All-Day, Cross-Cave Beanbarrow Race Finals for the betterment of every rock, cave, and workshop within their reach. Don’t Wemble, perform the Solemn Fraggle Oath and vote for the best Fraggles for the job: Gobo/Red ’08!Come back tomorrow to read Anthony Strand's campaign promises for candidates Ernie and Bert!

Click here to discuss the Radish Party on the ToughPigs forum!

joe.toughpigs@gmail.com

News and Other Goings-On

There has been a heck of a lot of news in the Muppet universe lately. If you're interested in the Muppets, Sesame Street, or the Jim Henson Company, read on for a delightful collection of links, and click away for more info. If you're not interested in any of those things, why are you on this website?

FAO Schwartz Muppet Whatnot Workshop
This is exciting. Have you ever wanted to design your own Muppet, then sit back and relax while somebody else builds it for you? Well, now you can. Sure, it'll cost you 90 bucks, but it'll be worth it when you and your buddies bring your Whatnot puppets to work and put on a variety show in the break room. Also cool: The website for the Workshop has a video of Kermit and Piggy explaining what Whatnots are.

Pepe on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The Muppet Newsflash is reporting that Pepe the King Prawn will be on Craig Ferguson's late night talk show on CBS this Tuesday, October 28th, to promote his new book It's Hard Out Here for a Shrimp.

Street Gang website
Street Gang is a behind-the-scenes history of Sesame Street, which we'll be talking about more in weeks to come. For now, check out the official website of the book.

Emmet Otter musical has been cast

We've been waiting for more details on the new Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas stage musical that's premiering in Connecticut this winter, and now the cast has been announced. No word yet on whether Yancey Woodchuck dolls will be available for purchase.

Elmo and Bloomberg dig Queens
Kaufman Astoria Studios in Queens, New York, where Sesame Street is taped, is expanding, and Elmo was there with New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg for the groundbreaking.

New live Puppet Up shows
The Jim Henson Company's Puppet Up improv comedy thingy has some live shows coming up in the Los Angeles area.

The Happytime Murders
The Hollywood Reporter and various other sources are reporting that Brian Henson will direct a "puppet noir" movie called The Happytime Murders, a murder mystery that takes place in a world where humans and puppets co-exist, but puppets are considered inferior. Entertainment websites and blogs have been reacting in typically under-informed fashion to this announcement, with lots of people assuming that this somehow means it'll be a movie about Fozzie shooting Kermit, or something.

Oscar is green
Of all celebrities who live in trash cans, Oscar the Grouch has to be one of the ten most famous. Which is why he's the spokesperson for Waste Reduction Week in Canada. The link above features a video of Oscar.

That'll do it for now. Keep checking back here in the coming weeks for more Muppet-related news... unless absolutely nothing notable happens, in which case never mind.

Click here to talk about stuff on the Tough Pigs forum!

ToughPigsRyan@yahoo.com

Muppets on YouTube, Dogs on Skateboards

A few months ago, we wrote about the new Muppet videos that popped up on YouTube. (Those articles are here and here.) Now they're popping again: Fozzie and Rizzo have started their own YouTube accounts, joining Beaker, the Swedish Chef, Sam, Gonzo, and Statler & Waldorf.

Fozzie's video is "Rolling with the Skateboarding Dog"...

...and Rizzo's is a video response to Fozzie's, called "Skateboarding Dog gets served."



So these are pretty exciting, especially given the prominence of Rowlf, even if Bill Barretta's Rowlf still sounds a lot like Bobo. Here's what I find interesting about these new clips (other than the fact that we've yet to see Kermit and Piggy): Those other videos they posted -- Stars and Stripes Forever, Habanera, etc. -- were all presented as performances by the Muppets, whereas these look like the characters were bored on a Saturday afternoon, so they picked up their camcorder and went to the beach to see if anything happened.

As Peter mentioned in his review, there was something about the Studio DC specials, with the Muppets squeezed uncomfortably into a show starring fresh-faced preteens, that made the Muppets seem old. I was a little worried there for a while... Does Kermit's unfamiliarity with text message shorthand mean he's over the hill, out of touch, and completely irrelevant to anyone too young to vote, drink, or buy cigars?

But now we see that the Muppets not only have YouTube accounts, they also go out and shoot random, pointless, shaky, handheld video to post online. Suddenly they're more contemporary than ever!

Welcome to the internet age, Muppets. Just don't pay too much attention to the Comments.

Click here to discuss this article, and how funny it is to see Rizzo's legs, on the Tough Pigs forum!

ToughPigsRyan@yahoo.com

This Almost Studio Live Thingy Show

The following article was written by Tough Pigs' close, personal friend Peter Papazoglou. Thanks for the review, Peter!


As a loyal and - let's face it - masochistic fan of the Muppets, you have no doubt had the pleasure of reading my girlfriend Leah's review of Studio DC: Almost Live. So it should come as a surprise of John-McCain-endorses-Barack-

Obama proportions to find out that Leah agreed to host a viewing of the show's second installment for some cable-deprived fellow Tough Pigs.

So how does the latest episode fare?

Unfortunately for Studio DC, it blew its guest star load in the series' first installment. Hosts Cole and Dylan Sprouse notwithstanding, Miley Cyrus, Ashley Tisdale, and the Jonas Brothers have actually made the transition from Disney Channel teeny boppers to MTV Video Music Award teeny boppers. Like it or not, they're the biggest names that the Muppets have worked with since, well, Ashanti.

In this episode, though, the Disney Channel trots out its second string: host Selena Gomez, The Cheetah Girls (sans, of course, Raven-Symoné), and the cast of The Wizards of Waverly Place. If this were an episode of The Muppet Show, it would be hosted by Miss Mousey and featuring musical act the Gogolala Jubilee Jugband.

Which makes this a show with a chip on its shoulder. Within a space of 45 seconds, both Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato separately "consider" plugging their upcoming Disney Channel Original Movie Princess Protection Program. Later on, David Henrie slips a mention of his upcoming DCOM Dadnapped into an "improvised" song with Floyd. The only two musical numbers this time around are from The Cheetah Girls: One World and Camp Rock. Camp Rock, I served with High School Musical. I knew High School Musical. High School Musical was a friend of mine. Camp Rock, you're no High School Musical!

Which is, like, really really sad.

Oh, wait. The Cheetah Girls: One World, I didn't mean to leave you out. You suck too.

You know what also sucked? Grease 2. A musical sequel tied to the original in theme and setting only but featuring a brand new cast of kids with a handful of adults carried over for continuity's sake, Studio DC hosted by Selena Gomez is Grease 2 with Kermit and Piggy as Coach Calhoun and Principal McGee. And these kids know they're no John Travolta or Olivia-Newton John. They just hope that in ten years one of them might turn out to be Michelle Pfeiffer. They rehearse sketches like "Banana Montana" and "High Stool Musical." They talk about how cute the Jonas Brothers are (Kermit and Rizzo: "Ditto!"; Jasons Dolley and Earles: "No homo!"). Kermit gets text messages from Ashley Tisdale; Miss Piggy continues her quixotic pursuit of "Zacky" Efron. These kids may be nobodies, but they're gonna be stars, goshdarnit. Sing out, Louise! Smile, Baby! Hurry, before the pubes come in!

Which, to be fair, makes them kind of like the Muppets. Hardscrabbled, bootstrap-lifting gypsies, hoofers, and chickens and things. Now, I know what you're thinking: What about the Muppets. And you're right. What about the Muppets? Well, nothing falls quite so flat here as the Suite Life sketch, but then again, nothing shines quite like "Bop to the Top" (although I must admit that Demi Lovato shows genuine chemistry with Beaker in their duet of the blandly inoffensive "This Is Me.") The plot, which remains essentially the same, is on the one hand more comprehensible this time around, but on the other, essentially the same.

Still, there are highlights. There's a cute puppetry bit in which Kermit waddles through the set in snowshoes. A penguin tugs gently at someone's scarf. A blinged out Rizzo raps while Pepe yodels. Gonzo makes a funny turkey gobbling noise. Yeah, it's that kind of show, the kind that you rewind to listen to Dr. Teeth and Floyd's one line apiece (Scooter gets two) and argue about the quality of the recasts (they're all pretty good, by the way).

But nothing in this middling special quite makes up for seeing the Muppets show their age next to today's tween stars. Kermit doesn't know what ROTFLOL means. Piggy is sidelined by the Cheetah Girls and, when she finally forces herself into their number, is too tired to finish. Statler can't even high five without breaking his wrist. And even though (or maybe because) I know that the Muppets are resilient and have survived this kind of mess before, by the time the too-long half-hour comes to an end, I find myself identifying with the unseen, omnipresent director: "He'll be fine, me not so much...wake me when it's over."

Click here to comment on this article on the Tough Pigs forum!

My Week with Steve: Day 5

Here we are, the final day of our week-long interview with Steve Whitmire, and boy are my arms tired! Be sure to clickity-click here to read parts one, two, three, and four!


ToughPigs: On Studio DC, the Ashley Tisdale segment, I thought that was one of the only redeeming segment of the whole special. The choreography that Kermit was doing: how did you do that?

Steve Whitmire: It was SO HARD. There were two of us, a guy named Bruce Lanoil and myself. I was in the head and he did both hands almost throughout. I was just so afraid of it because at that point, I wasn’t familiar with the number. We were trying to match the original. When I first heard the song, I thought it was out of character for Kermit, but in the context when we actually did it, it was totally fine. [Ashley] of course knows the number by heart, she’s done it a thousand times, and was perfect the first time, but I kept having to stop her. We had a great choreographer, Bonnie Story, who choreographed the original. We had to do it in slow motion, and I had to ask Ashley, “show me what you just did in slow motion,” and she would do the moves in slow motion and Bruce would do the arms, and then we’d try it with the music track and it was ten times faster than we remembered. It was really hard. And Bruce is considerably shorter than me, so I was just dragging the poor guy all over the sound stage. He was just floating above the ground trying to keep up. It was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever done from a manipulation standpoint. And it was saved by the edit, because we’d obviously stop-and-start. Very tough one, but also something to be proud of.

TP: So that was just a normal Kermit puppet with arm rods.

SW: Yep, normal Kermit puppet. And one of the things that Disney wants to do, and it’s very expensive, but they do it on virtually everything we do, is they digitally remove the rods. You see Piggy sitting in a chair on that special and motioning, and there’s no arm rods. It throws me sometimes, I expect to see the arm rods, but they removed every one from that piece, so Kermit’s just leaping through the air.

TP: Do you think that’s a good decision?

SW: I like it. Jim would have liked it too. Whatever new technology there was, he always wanted to jump right in the middle of it. He would have been fine with all that stuff. He was surprisingly not terribly precious about the characters, he was willing to just, you know, do things, just experiment. And in many ways, that’s the reason why he and Frank balanced each other so well. Because Frank is extremely intense and analytical about the characters, and Jim is much more whimsical and free-spirited. The balance of that is what defines the Muppets to me, and that’s what I always tried to learn in the early days when I showed up as this 18-year-old. I had the best teachers in the world, I had Jim and Frank and Jerry and Richard and Dave. Jim was the overseer, he could see the big picture. He would look at a frame and he was seeing the whole thing, almost squinting, and he’d say “We need a puppet up here.” He was never just watching Kermit or his character, he was looking at the whole thing all the time. Frank was very focused and analytical about character and comedy and what’s funny and precise. Dave was extremely precise as a manipulator. Every move was sharp and perfect. Like, if a puppet had to spin in place, obviously we have to run around in a circle, everything was precision and I love that. Jerry was this guy who had these incredible characters that just came out of nowhere. One thing I noticed about Jerry is that he wasn’t afraid to use just his own voice. He’d just do a little thing to it, it wasn’t some extreme character voice. Richard was a lot about justice. He was always about the underdog. He’d bring people in and help them and show them and give tours of the workshop. He was a great diplomat for the Muppets as much as anything. All of that together, and being able to take the best of the little pieces and integrate it into something was very important to me.

TP: Have you seen the Muppet parodies like Sad Kermit or BeakerRoll on the internet?

SW: Yes. It’s a little sad. I had people send me some of the pieces that have been edited for YouTube, and I don’t find any of that stuff really offensive, but I kind of understand it. We sort of live in this deconstructionist world these days where the best way to pay tribute to something is to take it and break it down into little pieces and put it back together the way they like it. And I also think part of that is because we’re not doing very much. If our stuff was out there, there wouldn’t be a void to have the Muppets. Again, I’m not offended by it, I’m not a puritan, it’s art. And some of them are done so well. The lip sync is perfect. So I kind of giggle at it and shake my head, there’s no point in being offended by it. At the same time, I don’t think Jim would have been offended by it either. As an aside, when we were doing Fraggle Rock, Jim was in Toronto, and I went out to lunch one day. I went across the street and someone had made these Muppet hot pads for your oven. And it was this knitted Ernie head. It was pretty terrible. And it was $10, so I bought it. I took it back and I said “I got you something over lunch,” and Jim smiled and I handed it over to him, and the look on his face… it was really devastating to him. And he said “Do I have to take that?” And he was serious, so I said, “No, of course not!” And I realized, he never had a problem, he almost let people rip him off if it was good. When people made things that he didn’t feel were up to par, then it upset him. I don’t think he took a lot of legal action against things like that, but he wanted it to be at least complimentary. So I can’t really say what he’d think about [the videos]. I don’t think anyone confuses that for us. Nobody’s going to think we’re going to do that. But again, the more we do, maybe the less room there will be for it.

TP: Right, as we’ve seen from the official viral videos.

SW: Yeah, and it’s interesting, another thing I noticed about that is we only did the four, and we haven’t had time to do any more, we’ve been busy with other things. But I’ve noticed, for a while there, you’d go to the main YouTube page and they were being recommended there for people to see. Now when you go there, occasionally you’ll see a Mahna Mahna or another Muppet video, and it’s like there’s a hunger for that. And we’re not filling that void, but we’d like to, and we will once we get back on track.

TP: I’ve noticed that there tends to be trends on blogs related to Muppet videos, where for a few weeks every blogger will be posting the Mahna Mahna video, and then a few weeks later it will be something else, like The Leprechaun Brothers. It’s exciting for us, because people other than us are talking about the Muppets.

SW: People want the Muppets out there. I know when Charles Schulz died, I was a huge Peanuts fan when I was a kid, before the Muppets, I think his family decided it wasn’t going to go on, nobody else was going to draw the strip. And it really upset me. It wasn’t because I would pick up the newspaper and read Peanuts every day, but I just sort of knew that they were there, and soon they weren’t going to be. I’d like to think that [the Muppets] are a part of our culture, and I think people think the same way. Yet, we go out there and we do a series, and it’s hard to keep it on the air. We have our fans, and I think Disney has strategies that will build us up. If we do another series, and I hope we will, by the time we get there, I hope we will have found our following again. To that end, I think the Disney Channel specials serve a really good purpose, just to draw that group in. We were kind of on the periphery of them in a way. They weren’t Muppet specials, it was just a lot of stuff with the stars that were already there. At least we got that audience, and apparently, that show rated extremely high for Disney Channel.

TP: So you think there would be a big marketing push behind a new series?

SW: Oh, I think there would be. Things move very slow in a company like Disney, but they move. And a lot of it has been about establishing the Muppets within Disney. We’re trying to reach the other departments in Disney and say, “Hey, we’re here, and this is what we can do.” It’s a lot of reproving who the Muppets are and now there’s a lot of interest because we’ve had some recent successes between the viral videos and the Disney Channel.

TP: I’d [Ryan] actually seen you once before, in Hondo, Texas, in Extreme Makeover. How involved were you in the making of that episode?

SW: As it turned out, pretty involved in the making of it. It was one of those Disney-ABC connections. At the time, the producer was a pretty big fan of the Muppets. It was great, I had such fun. I guess a lot of that show was ad-libbed anyway. We had a vague outline of what we were going to shoot, and I ad-libbed the whole thing. I had so much fun on that show. I love it when Kermit’s in unexpected places, like Hannity and Colmes. Nobody expected Kermit to be there, we did it a couple of times, it didn’t make any sense. Nightline’s a good example of that, and Extreme Makeover worked the same way. It was just great fun. Having him ride around in the John Deere vehicle, I have one of those at home, so it was perfect (laughs). One of the fun things was, I guess Ty [Pennington] always runs around with his own camera, and they built one for Kermit, and it was an actual camera! So I was really running the camera, and I could turn it around and have Kermit film himself. I had two monitors, one of the camera on me, the broadcast version, and one for Kermit’s camera.

TP: When you do a shoot like that, when it’s just Kermit, how much crew do you have with you? Is it just you and a puppet wrangler?

SW: Usually, somebody from our studio is there and somebody like [puppet designer] Jane Gootnik, Jane herself if possible, though she wasn’t on that shoot. Jane was hired a month after I did, so she’s got a 30-year history with the Muppets too. It’s especially important, especially if it’s on location like that, for someone to be able to just dive in and do something in a hurry, like a rigging thing, because there’s just no time. But in that case there was just four of us, including Carmen Osbahr who puppeteered Kermit’s right hand for us. And then I think Jim Lewis probably contributed ideas from Los Angeles for the writing. On that shoot, I was literally in the bus, and Kermit was driving it. And that was really scary, because no one could see. I just put the thing in drive, hit the gas, went fifty feet and hoped it stayed on the road. They said, “The only thing that could happen is you could run into the ditch,” and I said, “I know! I could run into the ditch!” (Laughs)

TP: How about when it’s a talk show appearance? Do you have stuff pre-written?

SW: Almost always. Usually we’ll have Jim Lewis write something, I always try to get Jim to write for Kermit if I can because he has such a great sensibility for Kermit, in the way that Jerry Juhl did for Kermit on The Muppet Show. I think Jerry wrote most of Kermit’s stuff on The Muppet Show. So, usually he’d write several pages of talking points, and I can rely on those. And it’s a mix, he gives me three choices for every answer, and sometimes it’s ad-libbed. Occasionally we’ll have an interview where they’ll go straight down the script and I’ll just read the answers while trying not to sound like I’m just reading them.

TP: I remember seeing Kermit and Fozzie being interviewed and hearing some funny responses when asked about the Jason Segel movie, like they hadn’t heard about the movie.

SW: Yeah, we had to come up with something to say, because we kept getting asked.

TP: Was that written by Jim Lewis?

SW: No, that was just Eric and me being silly. We did 100 interviews around then and we try to do something different for each one, even though it doesn’t really matter. And that was the first satellite media tour we did with just Kermit and Fozzie, with Eric and me. And it was great, the two of them haven’t been seen together all that much, so it was nice to have Kermit and Fozzie back together instead of it always being Kermit and Piggy. It gets a little old after a while. We’d always get the same three questions. “Are you married?” Oh no, we’re not married, or maybe we are. We’d really like to move beyond that, but we can’t because that’s what everyone wants to know. But it’s great to have that Kermit and Fozzie dynamic back. Two pals, two buddies. And in the same way, it’s great to have that little core group: Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter. To have those main Muppet Show characters back in a way is also nice.

TP: Do you feel like there’s a different dynamic there between you and Eric and you and Frank?

SW: A little. Eric’s just so darn close to Frank, it’s really incredible. His voice is so close, and obviously the other part of that is the character. And I would have to say that in the last few months, he has just gelled as Piggy. We did a satellite media tour not too long ago, and she was like she’d never been before. And the challenge for Eric has been that it’s so easy for her to always be angry. Because that’s sort of the default position: she gets mad, she hits somebody, she storms out. But to play her as anything other than angry, you really have to dig into the character. And he gets in there so well, and that takes a long time. If we can get through an interview without Piggy getting angry, then I think it’s a great thing (laughs). It’s different than Frank, but less different. It just takes a long time. Frank’s characters are so deep, there’s so much to them, it’s just a hard thing to do. Eric hasn’t really worked with Frank on the characters, so he’s just kind of taking the character from what he sees.

TP: When was the last time you worked with Frank Oz?

SW: The last time we worked together was… (thinks) a while ago. I’m not even sure I can remember. It’s been quite a while. Probably the last thing was Sesame Street. Every so often, he’ll come in and do Bert. And that’s a little weird for me, with them both doing the character, but it’s Frank. You can’t say no to Frank. If Frank said he wanted to come back and do Piggy for something, he should do it, and I think Eric would be totally fine with it. (Laughs) I don’t expect that to happen.

TP: I think that’s all we have. Thank you so much, Steve, for taking the time to talk with us.

SW: You’re so welcome. As you know, as we’ve said repeatedly and repeatedly, we love reading ToughPigs because you’re our best critics (laughs).

TP: Well, we’ll continue to criticize you as long as you continue to make stuff.

SW: Exactly, it’s a reciprocal arrangement. I said this back at MuppetFest, and I think the crowd got it, but it feels like we’re in this sort of partnership, we’re kind of in this together. Especially with the Muppets, and I don’t know if other actors feel this way, but with us doing these characters that are ongoing for years and years and years, the fans contribute nearly as much to this as we do in keeping it alive, especially during the slow times.Once again, super special thanks go out to Steve Whitmire for taking the time to chat with us, plus being an extra cool guy!

And thanks to all of our dedicated ToughPigs readers for sticking it out for this entire week. As Steve said, he can't do this without us, and we can't do this without you!

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