It's a Very Retro Muppet Christmas

The Jim Henson Company, much like you and I, thinks that Christmas is keen. In fact, they've been thinking that for almost 50 years. In fact in fact, they have had such a crush on Christmas that they use the United States Postal Service to tell all their friends. And what better way than to include doodles of Muppets? If there is a better way, I haven't thought of it.

Below, you'll see 37 Christmas cards from Muppets Inc./The Jim Henson Company. Some of which are drawn by Jim himself, and some of which were used to promote specific productions. All of these images come courtesy of MikePop's blog. Enjoy!

Click here to discuss the true meaning of Christmas on the ToughPigs forum!

Countdowning to Christmas

The following was written while watching Elmo's Christmas Countdown. Many of my thoughts don't make sense, partly because they were written as train-of-thought and partly because I rarely make sense anyhow. Enjoy!

7:00 – All right, I’m all ready and set for the new Sesame Street Christmas special, Elmo’s Christmas Countdown. I’ve got a bowl of popcorn, a blanket to protect me from this December chill, and the laptop for journaling my experience of watching the special for the very first time. Um, maybe a buttery treat wasn’t such a great idea if I’m going to be typing. Ok, scratch the popcorn and let’s start the special!

7:03 – It’s no secret to people who know me that I can’t stand Ben Stiller. Something About Mary was the only movie I’ve ever walked out of in the theater. I’m going to try hard to not hate everything about Stiller the Elf off the bat. So, without having seen him so far for more than a minute, my only real gripe (so far) is that he’s funny looking. Like, in a bad way. He doesn’t have much of a Muppety look (maybe if they made him out of an Anything Muppet it would have worked better?). Though I do have to say, the lip-syncing is pretty good, considering how big this role is.

7:05 – Ooh, I love this pop-up book set! It sure is pretty. Not pretty enough to make me want to replace the old set, but damn pretty anyway. I hope they have it available on their website to print out so we can make our own Christmassy Sesame Street set.

7:07 – Oscar is great. Not that should be of any surprise to anyone. I like the reference to “I Hate Christmas” from Christmas Eve on Sesame Street.

7:10 – Here’s Oscar Winner Jennifer Hudson. If they’re going to have a whole song for all 10 blocks, they’d better hurry up so they can be done in time for… hmm, what’s on after this? “Duel”? Oh, take your time, Sesame Street.

7:12 – I swear, I’m trying to not loathe Stiller the Elf, but he’s not making it easy. I want to grab him by his fuzzy eyebrows and pull until I hear seams start to tear.

7:14 – Of COURSE Bert has a Celebratory Bowl of Oatmeal.

7:20 – “My little elfin buttox”. Did I hear that right? Did Stiller the Elf just make a butt reference? Can someone let me know so I know whether to increase my Ben Stiller vendetta or, um, edit this article?

7:21 – “I Want a Snuffleupagus for Christmas” is my new favorite Christmas song. Because it’s true.

7:23 – There’s something wrong with this Sopranos Bert-and-Ernie skit. Ah, I know. They’re not dropping enough F-bombs to make it believable. Also, Prairie Dawn is brilliant here. This is Fran Brill’s most entertaining performance since Merlin’s Assistant on The Jim Henson Hour (“Ta-Daaaa!”).

7:27 – I’m starting to think Ben Stiller was only chosen for this role because he’s a self-loathing Jew. Which I would assume most Elves are.

7:33 – I have no idea who this lady is. [During “Do You See What I See”] And as impressive as all these celebrities are, none of them are as satisfying as it would be if these roles were filled by Gordon, Bob, or Susan. And none of them will ever be as famous. Right?

7:36 – I’ve just been informed that she is Alicia Keys. And she has number 6. How convenient.

7:37 – Hey, it’s Oscar Winner Jamie Foxx as an action figure! I wonder if he ever thought he’d be made into an action figure back when he was best known for his role as “Wanda” on In Living Color.

7:43 – Boxes 4, 3, and 2 all at once? Well, that’s one way to make sure we finish this special on time.

7:44 – Did.. did Charles Blitzen just make a fart joke? Again, can someone verify that for me?

7:45 – The Count, a new Sesame TV parody, and Ty Pennington running around like a lunatic? This might be my favorite part of the whole special.

7:47 – There’s something about Muppets wearing hats that I absolutely adore. And Grover’s Christmas top hat is no exception.

7:49 – “I believe in Christmas miracles!” So, Stiller the Elf hasn’t believed in Christmas miracles this whole time? Being an elf, doesn’t that make him a Christmas Miracle himself?

7:50 – I heard a rumor that Cookie Monster doesn’t eat cookies anymore. He just eats ALL OF CHRISTMAS IN ONE BITE! Oh, and vegetables.

7:56 – “I believe! I believe! I believe!” Yikes, Sesame Street is trying to convert me.

7:56 – Kevin James makes easily one of the worst Santas ever. But for some reason, I love it.

7:58 – “Actually, I was going to say ‘Peace Out’…” Forget what I said.

7:59 – Ah, the annual Hanukkah/Kwanzaa mention. And it was said by a talking snowball. Oh well, we can’t all be the Pee-wee’s Playhouse Christmas Special.

Here’s some very brief final thoughts in an already too-long article. The Countdown was a clever way to cram some new songs and sketches into the special, all of which were pretty fun in their own rights. The overall story with the Elf and a very passive Elmo were pretty weak. Plus, it left me with some unanswered questions. Like, why did the Elf think that Oscar would have the most Christmas spirit? And what does it mean that Christmas Almost Didn’t Happen? And who the hell thought it’d be a good idea to give Ben Stiller his own Muppet? These questions may never get answered, much like my questions about how candy canes are made.

Click here to open a Snuffleupagus-sized box on the ToughPigs forum!

Green and Red and Yule All Over

Guess who's nominated for a Grammy? If you guessed "the Muppets," you're correct! (If you guessed "Amy Winehouse," you're also correct, but that's not who I'm going to write about, at least not today.) Last year's album A Green and Red Christmas was nominated for Best Musical Album for Children. Now, this CD came out way back in October of 2006... so what better time to review it than December 2007? So join me, won't you, as I make some hot chocolate and listen to this year's only Grammy nominee that features a song by a prawn.

First of all, I just want to say I like the album art. It's simple -- just a few photos of a few Muppets on plain white or green backgrounds -- but they look to be new pictures, which is nice. Kermit doesn't appear flat-faced, and Miss Piggy's lookin' pretty hot. So that tells you that somebody, somewhere at Muppet Studios cared about this project. According to the CD insert, the Muppet performers here are Bill Barretta, Dave Goelz, Louise Gold, Eric Jacobson, Jerry Nelson, Karen Prell, Mike Quinn, David Rudman, and Steve Whitmire. Can that possibly be true? I know Jerry still shows up when he can, but doesn't Louise Gold live in England? So I'm just going to ignore that, and assume it's an error on the part of Sid, the harried Disney intern.

But there's no time to dwell on that, because here comes track one: "'Zat You, Santa Claus?" They don't waste any time here -- there's no introduction, no opening skit with Kermit and the gang... They jump right in with this song, which, to my surprise, has a lead vocal by Bobo!

Wait...no. It's not Bobo. According to the track listing, it's "Electric Mayhem Band" (I thought they were "Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem," but whatever.) Well, this is a cool, jazzy little number. I like the fact that it features saxophone, which means Zoot is in there somewhere. I can just picture him playing... but I can't picture Dr. Teeth singing this, because Bill Baretta's Dr. Teeth voice really does sound just like a slightly hipper Bobo. I guess this is the most we've heard from Teeth in the post-Jim Henson era, and I just can't get into it.

Maybe if this were a musical number on a TV special it would work; if we could see Teeth singing the song it would be more convincing. The song's kinda weird too. Dr. Teeth is all freaked out because he hears noises and suspects that someone's trying to get into his house. For your sake, Doc, I hope zat's Santa Claus, 'cause if it's not, I don't think those long, saggy arms of yours are going to do much good for fighting off a prowler.

The next track is called "A Red and Green Christmas". Now that's just confusing, because the name of the album is A Green and Red Christmas. I mean, come on -- when Prince released the song "Diamonds and Pearls," did he call the album "Pearls and Diamonds?" No, sir, he did not, and nobody got confused, which just proves that the Muppets should always seek to emulate Prince in all matters.

Anyway, the song starts off with Piggy asserting that red is the color of Christmas. Eric Jacobson's Piggy is fantastic, by the way. I don't know if there are still any Muppet fans who haven't accepted Eric as "the" Piggy performer, but his falsetto on this track is as beautiful as anything that ever emanated from Frank Oz's bald head. So Kermit insists that green is the color of Christmas, because of trees and wreaths and candied pears... candied pears? I never got one of those in my stocking, but they sound kinda gross. Anyway, this is a pretty song. It isn't particularly funny, but hey, that's okay. Sometimes the Muppets can be sincere. Kermit and Piggy continue to debate which color is the color of Christmas, until it's finally resolved when they -- WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT AM I DOING? I CAN'T SPOIL THE ENDING!

What's next? "I love to play those old-time Christmas songs at The Christmas Party Sing-Along!" It's a song about hangin' out singin' Christmas songs, and if you're a Christmas carol geek you'll love the references. Is is just me, or have the Muppets, over the years, done a lot of songs about singing songs? It certainly seems to be one of their favorite subjects, kinda like how Mariah Carey's favorite subject is the word "Baby."

Remember how I said Bill Barretta's Dr. Teeth sounded like Bobo? Bill Barretta's Rowlf sounds even more like him. In fact, they could have almost given this song to the bear, except that the jokey nature of it is more befitting to Rowlf. ("We want our wassail and our figgy pudding/If we ever find out what they are") This is a fun, swingy track, and so far it's the second out of three that were composed especially for this CD. "You know," says Rowlf, "I've heard of sing-alongs, but I've never sung with ding-a-lings!" Not bad.

The next track begins: "Here's a Christmas song for Jew girls, okay?" Well, Pepe, it's awfully nice of you to consider the Jewish Muppet fans when you're doing a Christmas album, so as not to -- oh. He said "you girls," with the Spanish accent and everything. Nevermind. So yeah, "Merry Christmas Baby" is a Pepe spotlight. Man, Bill's all over this CD like fuzz on a frog.

I can't really understand all of Pepe's lyrics, but the song is snazzy... He seems to be singing about how cool he is, and how he's totally gonna score with a bunch of chicks. Oh, and it's Christmas time. It's credited to M. Love & B. Wilson... Does that mean this is a Beach Boys song? That's weird. "Santa came down the chimney, half past three, with lots of little presents for my baaabies and me!" Dude, Pepe's singing his little crustacean heart out here. This is full of energy, and it's my favorite track so far. Incidentally, it's also the first track sung by a character with his original performer. Whoa, check out that high note at the end!

"This goes out to Kris Kringle! He's one jolly dude!" Next we have Floyd, Animal and Zoot doing "The Man with the Bag," yet another song I've never heard before. This is the first song by Floyd since "Wild Thing" on Kermit Unpigged in 1993, and according to Muppet Wiki, he's performed here by John Kennedy. It's a decent Floyd -- he gets the "hah-hah-hah" laugh just about right -- but it's still tough to get used to. Zoot, Floyd, and Dr. Teeth all get solos to play here, and when Animal goes nuts during his, Zoot says, "Animal, take your tablets." Nice. (Zoot, by the way, is still Dave Goelz.)

Hey, you know what would be cool? If we could actually see them playing their instruments. I mean, you know, not actually playing their instruments, but playing them the way Muppets do. As fun as it is to hear Animal grunting and growling, it would be fun to see the flailing that goes along with it. But I should say: they chose some really catchy songs, and good on them for resisting the temptation to go with a bunch of Christmas standards everyone's heard a million times before (and which the Muppets themselves have done thirty thousand times before).

"Okay, Miss Fatback's on!" says Floyd, which is a very in-character introduction to Miss Piggy's rendition of "Santa Baby." Piggy's done this song before, in It's A Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie, but Eric's performance here tops his earlier attempt. It doesn't change the fact that this is a pretty weird song, though. Also, Piggy asks Santa for a sable, by which I'm sure she means a sable-fur coat... but the way things go in the Muppet world, I have a feeling she's more likely to receive a live Muppet sable who does card tricks and plays the accordian.

Ah, Christmas... "It's the Most Wonderful Time of Year." That's Gonzo's position, anyway... but Rizzo's not convinced, so it's up to Gonzo to persuade him in this free-wheeling track featuring the ol' Dave Goelz/Steve Whitmire magic. This one zips by in no time, and rivals "Merry Christmas Baby" as my favorite. By the end, I'm utterly convinced that it is the most wonderful time of the year... way better than the vernal equinox. Vernal equinox sucks.

Hey, what's up with that line about "scary ghost stories"? Does anyone tell scary ghost stories on Christmas? Is that maybe a reference to A Christmas Carol? I have no idea, but there's no time to dwell on it because a wacky fanfare and a intro from Kermit signals that the time has come for...

"North Pole Comedy Club," starring Fozzie Bear. He sings, he tells bad jokes, then he sings some more and tells worse jokes. This is another original composition (unsurprisingly), with some authentic Fozzie-style jokes ("Do you know where Santa stays when he's on the road? At a ho-ho-hotel!"), and a cameo by Statler and Waldorf (played by Steve and Dave, naturally). We can hear the the audience reacting, which is fun... I'm wondering if they let some of the recording studio crew provide the groans of the crowd.

Whoever was the big cheese in charge of this album obviously cared quite a bit about letting the main characters just be themselves. Still, this is another track that would have fit nicely into some kind of continuity to make the album a cohesive whole instead of a collection of individual songs. Like maybe, this is the part where everyone gathers round to see Fozzie do the act he's been working on since last Boxing Day.

"Run, Run Rudolph" begins with a funky synth organ riff played by Dr. Teeth (or is it Bobo again?) that makes me want to get up and dance, even though I never, ever, ever dance. The arrangements and backing tracks on this album are top-notch, which is a good sign. At least it indicates Disney was willing to spend enough money on this project so it wouldn't just be twelve tracks of Kermit and Piggy singing "Christmas Is Coming, the Goose Is Getting Fat" to the accompaniment of kazoos and armpit noises.

This Rudolph song always makes me think of that frantic running-to-the-airport scene in Home Alone. Hey, I have a great idea! Let's cast Home Alone with Muppets! Okay... Robin would be Macaulay Culkin, and of course Fozzie would have to be Daniel Stern...

Which classic Christmas song is next? Oh, of course, it's that timeless favorite "Christmas Smorgasbord." Who's playing the Swedish Chef on this track? I was going to guess Steve Whitmire, but Muppet Wiki reports that it's Bill Barretta, so I'm really not sure. Pretty much everyone has taken a turn with the Chef since 1990... he's like the town bicycle! OHHH, SNAP!

Of course it would be insane* to give the Swedish Chef an entire song to sing, so here we have a chorus of square-sounding singers, playing it straight as they describe the Chef's plans for Christmas dinner. It's funny, and the Chef is in fine form with his "voonder shmirnees" and such but it goes on too long. As far as I can tell, they're just repeating the same verses and choruses... a little Chef goes a long way, I suppose. A little Chef? Say, why didn't Muppet Babies ever feature a Baby Chef?

Next, "The Christmas Queen." More square singers, but now they're backing up Miss Piggy. She's the Christmas queen at the Christmas show, you see. "She may be off-key but she's sturdily built!" they boast. This is a good concept. I like when Piggy is regarded as the star of the show... and yet, they keep pointing out her flaws, until she gets mad enough to threaten their lives. You know what would have been funnier? If the entire song had been about how graceful and beautiful she is, while she's tripping over her dress, and her angel wings are catching fire and things like that. But to quote Kermit on the original Muppet Show album, "somehow that just doesn't make it on a record."

There's only one more track left, and boy, I can't say anything bad about a simple but sincere rendition of "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" sung by Kermit. A lot of singers cover this song, and I don't always believe that they want me, personally, to have myself a merry little Christmas, but with Kermit I don't doubt it for a second.

"Through the years we all will be together, if the fates allow," he sings. We've been celebrating Christmas with the Muppets through a lot of years, haven't we? He ends with a "Merry Christmas, everyone," which is very nice of him, but what else would you expect from Kermit? And so the CD comes to a close. It would have been nice to end with a group song by all the Muppets together, but I'll take what I can get.

Actually -- and I hate to repeat myself, but I will anyway -- this whole thing really would have been more fun if there had been something tying it all together... some of the tracks end with segues into the next tracks, but for the most part it's just a bunch of songs, and I'm guessing they never had more than three Muppet performers in the studio at the same time.

They could have turned it into a "Christmas at the Muppet Theater," with some kind of backstage banter and maybe even a simple storyline to make the whole thing more cohesive. Like maybe the Muppets are doing a special Christmas show, and their guest star hasn't shown up yet, so they have to entertain the crowd until he shows up, and it turns out that the reason he hadn't shown up yet is that he's really Santa. That wouldn't have been hard to do. I think it also would have increased this album's appeal to children, whom the Grammys consider to be the target audience. Because I'm not sure children really know who all these Muppets are.

Even better than that? If this CD were actually a soundtrack to a brand-new Muppet TV special I just described. I think that would have helped with the fact that this is our first extended exposure to the new Dr. Teeth and the new Floyd... If we could hear the voices coming out of the puppets' mouths, then we could say, "Oh, it's Floyd!" instead of, "Oh, it's a voice on a CD which they're telling us is Floyd." As it is, it feels very close to being the Muppets, but it's not 100% the Muppets.

It's a good effort. The music is good, the performers are great. They just need some good old-fashioned Muppet material to work with. But as stocking stuffers go, this CD is about 500 times better than a candy cane or an apple, and so much better than underwear that it's off the charts. And you can get it for about 10 bucks, so there's no reason not to buy it, really.

Enjoy your Christmas smorgasbord, everyone!

Click here to discuss this article and share some holiday cheer on the Tough Pigs forum!

*or possibly brilliant?

Apes Got Badges

Do you like cop shows? Do you like apes? Do you like puppets? Well, of course you like puppets, you're reading a Muppet fan site. But if you like those other things too, you may be interested to know of the existence of SUDS, the upcoming web series from Henson Alternative. SUDS, by the way, stands for Simian Undercover Detective Squad, which pretty much tells you all you need to know about the premise.

The series will be premiering on Film.com in 2008, and they've put up a teaser trailer to whet our appetite for talking primates. If you also count "wacky sound effects" as something you like, you're gonna love this:




Personally, I've found Henson Alternative's offerings thus far to be pretty flawed, but this one shows promise... after all, if Bear on Patrol worked, why not apes incognito?

Click here to talk about SUDS on the Tough Pigs forum!

Feliz Navi-Bob

Over the past year, Sesame Workshop has been very kind to us, providing us with oodles of classic Sesame Street DVDs which remind us of simpler times before Oscar was green, before Cookie Monster had a neck, and when Bob wore shirts that could now be used as road flares.

It's almost amazing that the now 74-year-old Bob is still hanging out with the monsters and kids and monster-kids on that inner city street. You'll be happy to hear that not only is he sticking around, he's not planning on slowing down any time soon.

Bob has recorded at least 10 albums over the past 37 years, and his newest album #11 is Christmas Sing Along, filled with, you guessed it, Christmas songs. Now, as an uneducated Jewish boy, I was admittedly a little hesitant in buying this album. I can count the number of Christmas-related albums I've bought on one finger (that'd be Muppet Christmas Carol, for those of you keeping score). Growing up, we felt like we heard the same three Christmas songs over and over, and somehow we still never learned the words to them (seriously, a verse about figgy pudding? You're making that up...) And while Bob's new CD might not have much of a re-listenability factor for year-round enjoyment, he did make one heck of an album.

The very first thing I noticed about the album is that Bob has a wonderful wonderful voice. It's smooth and light, confident and positive, yet devoid of arrogance. And considering Bob is pushing 3/4 of a century, he still sounds just as he did back in the 70s. If I didn't know better, I'd assume that this was a reissued album, found in a time capsule left to us by the ToughPigs of yesteryear.

Likewise, his backup band is terrific. The only name I recognize in the liner notes is Blue Lou Marini, from the Saturday Night Live Band and the Blues Brothers Band, but they all do a terrific job when you stop to listen. There's no MIDI files here, folks. I can definitely hear some jazz influence in the background of about half of the songs, giving parents a little something to appreciate in case your kids insist on listening to this album over and over and over. Which they might.

While many of the songs are pretty straight-forward Christmas carols, my favorite by far is the novelty song, "What a Great Christmas It Was," which tells the story about Santa accidentally switching presents. So Grandma gets a yo-yo, the dog gets underwear, and Dad becomes a cross dresser. Um, you just have to hear the song. It's greatness songified.

Also included on this album is the Sesame Street classic, "Keep Christmas With You." And while it's not the same without Linda signing the lyrics, it's still nice to hear a new version.

Back on December 7, I was lucky enough to see Bob perform at a Barnes and Noble in promotion of the new CD. Being the technologically devoid person I am, I bought a disposable camera (which still has like 20 pictures left on it.. sorry, you won't be seeing those for a while) and I took some video footage with my cell phone. It's only 14 seconds, and there's a kid screaming behind me, and the quality is like I'm shooting in an underwater smoking lounge... y'know what, I just suck as a cameraman. Enjoy the video of Bob singing "Keep Christmas With You," and if you like Christmas, go buy this CD. You won't regret it.

Click here to discuss Seven Swans A-Swimming on the ToughPigs forum!

27 Things to Do During "When Love Is Gone"

Christmas is rapidly approaching, and that can only mean one thing: It's time to blow the dust off your copy of The Muppet Christmas Carol and sit down to enjoy a lovely adaptation of a classic work of literature, presented exactly the way author Charles Dickens envisioned it. Christmas Carol is a warm, funny, pleasant film with a lot to recommend it, but there is one major problem with it, and that problem is called "When Love Is Gone."

There's a scientific theory that states that every musical has to have one Boring Song. The Boring Song is a slow number, usually about some dull subject like love, during which the kids in the audience start fidgeting and the grown-ups' attention starts drifting to more interesting thoughts, like 5.99% fixed APR financing. In Guys and Dolls, it's "I've Never Been in Love Before," in the film version of Grease it's "Hopelessly Devoted to You," and so on, and in Christmas Carol it most definitely is "When Love Is Gone." The whole movie grinds to a screeching halt as Belle, a character we don't know very well, stares into space and sings about how she and Scrooge used to be in love but now they're not and boo hoo hoo. Oh, and there are no Muppets onscreen for the duration of the song, which lasts about 4 minutes.*

But hey, the good news is, you don't have to sit through it. With that in mind, I hereby present 27 Things to Do During "When Love Is Gone."

-Make two two-minute eggs.

-See if you can drink hot chocolate through your nose.

-Build a snowman in your living room.

-Draw on your TV screen so it looks like Belle has a goatee and antlers.

-Pick your nose.

-Darn your socks.

-Learn to juggle.

-Stand on your head and say, "Belle! Whut in tarnation are you doin' hangin' from the ceiling?"

-Balance your checkbook.

-Balance your checkbook on your nose.

-Try to name all the Muppet Show guest stars in alphabetical order by middle name.

-Grow a moustache.

-Flip through your copy of the original Charles Dickens Christmas Carol until you find the page where Bob Cratchit goes ice-skating with penguins.

-Give yourself a tattoo of Michael Caine.

-Catch up on the Tough Pigs forum.

-Read the "linoleum" article on Muppet Wiki.

-Browse the IMDb message board for Muppet Christmas Carol, which includes this thought-provoking inquiry: "You know how in the original story of A Christmas Carol, there is only the ghost of Jacob Marley and he doesn't have a brother? Obviously, they altered this for the movie in order to have Statler and Waldorf in the role. What I just noticed is the name that they give the new character... Robert Marley, which was also the full name of singer Bob Marley. I wonder if it's just a coincidence or if the filmmakers did it on purpose?"

-Leave your own review on IMBb, in which you explore the deep socio-political metaphors inherent in the "light the lamp, not the rat!" scene.

-Practice your moose call.

-Mentor a child.

-Mentor a moose.

-Read the back of the DVD case out loud in the manner of a lucha libre wrestling announcer.

-Put some hydrogen peroxide on that before it gets infected.

-Mute the TV and make up dirty lyrics to the song, and sing them in a piercing falsetto (if you can't do piercing falsetto, try a Mortimer Snerd voice.)

-Go to eBay and place a $538 bid on this "UGLY Christmas sweater small w/REAL JINGLE BELLS"

-Clean the octopus tank. (Applies to octopus owners only.)

-Read Danny and Kynan's My Week with The Muppet Christmas Carol article from a few years back.

-Have a contest with your friends: As the scene goes on, bellow the word "BOOO-RING!" and see who can go the loudest and draw it out the longest. The winner gets to sing a duet with Michael Caine.

There you have it. Try any of these suggestions, or ALL of them, and the song will be over before you know it. Merry Christmas!

*It's interesting to note that, as it's explained on Muppet Wiki, the song was cut for the American theatrical release of the film. It was later restored for home video. Why? Only Brian Henson and the Ghost of Christmas Past can say.

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ToughPigsRyan@yahoo.com

SesameTube

Writer’s note: Instead of providing my customary Muppet Wiki links to characters and skits, I encourage you to go to the new Sesame Workshop video site and search for the key words yourself. Trust me, you’ll thank me tomorrow.

The future is now!

Well, the definition of future states that it’s not really now. It’s like, a week from next Thursday, but you get the idea.

Sesame Workshop has decided to give us an early Christmas present and provide us with hundreds of classic Sesame Street clips on their new video website. My first reaction to this news was “Hubba wha? HOOHAH! Shabadooyeah!” Ok, so it may not be the most coherent thing I’ve ever said, but it definitely expresses my sentiment of the moment accurately.

The second thing I did was to try and think of what clips to search for. Unfortunately, this is where I drew a blank. That’s like trying to choose just one of any 31 flavors of ice cream. Rome was not YouTube’d in a day, you know. Thankfully, the site is equipped with a handy toolbar at the top for indecisive chaps like me. I watched the Incredible Shrinking Cookie Monster, I saw Ernie write an Ode to Bert, and I watched Grover embarrass himself. Repeatedly.

A quick tally of some of the more popular characters resulted in 134 Grover videos, 105 Cookie Monster videos, 97 with Ernie and Bert (144 with at least Ernie, 109 with at least Bert), 66 Elmo videos, 56 with The Count (56 glorious videos! Ah ah ah!), 47 for Telly, 40 Prairie Dawn videos, 38 with Kermit, 37 for Zoe, 33 Big Bird videos, and 14 Guy Smiley videos.

That, in case you weren’t counting, is a whole lotta videos.

I also did some tallying of characters who I expected to find, yet didn’t come up with many results. Gordon came up with 10 videos, but all of them were Trash Gordon. Not that I’m complaining, but I would have liked to see more Sesame humans in these videos. The Two-Headed Monster has 6 videos, which makes 3 for each head. Snuffy appears in 5 videos, although “Snuffleupagus” doesn’t warrant any results. “Lefty” doesn’t have any results, but a search for “Salesman” shows 5 of his appearances. Forgetful Jones clocked in with 4 videos, I think. I don’t recall. See what I did there? John-John only has two videos, though one of them is where he counts a penny with Grover, so I can’t fault them for that. And there aren’t any results for more obscure characters like S.A.M. the Robot, Don Music, Roosevelt Franklin, or Captain Vegetable.

Speaking of a few of those that haven’t yet been immortalized in video form on this site yet, I wonder if Sesame Workshop is deliberately avoiding characters that have been discontinued because of imitatable behavior or negative images. I would say it depends on whether or not their intention for this site is to show nostalgic videos for adults or to have a new outlet for educating the preschoolers of the digital age. If it’s the former, then they should definitely include these missing clips, if only for historical purposes. If it’s the latter, then maybe they’ll avoid posting the now infamous Not-Appropriate-For-Kids disclaimer everyone’s been in such a huff over.

One other thing I’d like to see is more search options. What if someone wants to see celebrity appearances? Or Muppet and Kid Moments? Or how about TV and film parodies? They’re hard to find unless you know exactly what you’re looking for or if you stumble across it. For example, I just stumbled across the Pearl Jam parody, “Don’t Waste The Water” by Fur Jam. It has no known characters and doesn’t have any unique search terms, which makes it nigh impossible to find.

Another thing that amazes me is the quality of the videos. They’re crystal clear, almost DVD quality. And if you’re on a slower connection, the quality goes down slightly so you can still view the video without any hiccups. I don’t know how they do that, but I’m not one to look Buster the Horse in the mouth. (This is where I do a search for Buster, and see two videos with him! Thank you, Internets!)

Of course, any gripes I may have will (hopefully) be fixed soon. The website is still in beta, so anything is possible. I’m also holding out hope for thousands of Street scenes, Hey Cow I See You Now, and the original 1975 clip of Fur.

I’m still amazed that something like this exists. Sesame Workshop is doing a great job at catering toward their older fanbase, which is great because that’s me. Um, and you. But mostly me. I can’t wait to see what this site will look like after it’s out of beta testing. Though even if it’s the same as it is now, it’s exactly what I would have asked Santa to bring me this Christmas.

In case you missed the link at the top of the page, you can view the videos at http://video.sesameworkshop.org.

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The Voice of Reason

O, what chaos hath New York Times writer Virginia Heffernan wrought?

If you own the Sesame Street Old School DVDs (volume 1 was released last year, volume 2 earlier this month), you've seen that they include a brief disclaimer: “These early Sesame Street episodes are intended for grown-ups, and may not suit the needs of today’s preschool child.” That's it... just a brief note delivered by a cartoon character before the first episode on each set. Last week Heffernan wrote a clever, light-hearted article about this in the New York Times Magazine, asking with tongue-in-cheek indignation what could possibly be so wrong with the episodes that brought up a generation.

Since then, the internet has taken notice of the article, and if there's one thing internet people are great at, it's overreacting. Entertainment websites and the blog world are now abuzz with former Sesame viewers in their late 20s through early 40s expressing the shock, dismay and outrage caused by their misinterpretation of the Sesame Workshop's cautionary notice. People, basically, are freaking out. Fox News even ran an incredulous, uninformed piece about it.

How do we, as Sesame Street fans who know better, talk some sense into these people? Well, picture the following scenario. BINKY and BUNKY are your coworkers, or your fellow partygoers, or on a bus with you, and they're former Sesame viewers who have just heard the story. As our scene begins, they're chatting just before you happen to come along...

BINKY: Hey, you know that show Sesame Street?

BUNKY: Yeah! I loved watching Sesame Street back in the 1970s when I was a kid!

BINKY: Me too! I also enjoyed watching that television show in the 1970s. So, I just read on some random blog somewhere that the old Sesame Street is on DVD now, but it comes with a warning that you should never let your kids see it because it's inappropriate!

BUNKY: No!

BINKY: Yes!

BUNKY: No!

BINKY: Yes!

BUNKY: NO!

BINKY: YES! They said it's because Cookie Monster used to hold a pipe sometimes!

BUNKY: Is that all? That's nothing! We saw Cookie Monster with a pipe and we turned out just fine!

BINKY: I know! If you ask me, everyone on Sesame Street could smoke a pipe, and it wouldn't be that big a deal.

BUNKY: Yeah, it's not like the kids at home are going to start smoking right there in front of the TV!

BINKY: They also said it was politically incorrect that Ernie and Bert's apartment was dirty!

BUNKY: I have no idea what that means or why it would be a reason not to let little kids watch, but I'll take your word for it because you read it in some random blog! And I'm indignant!

BINKY: You're telling me! Oh, and the same thing I read said that if the show started today, they wouldn't be allowed to have Oscar the Grouch!

BUNKY: A world without Oscar?! O, horror of all horrors! How dare they say such a thing?!

BINKY: I know! Why, I can remember watching Sesame Street while sitting on the floor with my favorite teddy bear. My grandmother gave me that teddy bear! Are they trying to say that my grandmother is inappropriate for today's children?!!

BUNKY: Those scoundrels! Sesame Street is way too politically correct now!

BINKY: It's all Elmo's fault, somehow.

BUNKY: You're right, of course! Ever since they let him come in and take over the show, and start starring in and writing and directing every episode, the show has been ruined!

BINKY: Yes! Elmo destroyed everything! And then they changed Cookie Monster's name to "Raw Organic Asparagus Monster!"

BUNKY: Oh, yeah. I heard about that from my cousin Melvin, who read it on the internet... so it must be true!

BINKY: What's next? I bet they'll turn the Count into a pink, fuzzy kitten because vampires are too scary!

BUNKY: I bet they will! Outrage!

BINKY: And then they'll get rid of Big Bird, just because he runs around naked all the time!

BUNKY: Today's children are growing up so deprived because their television experience is not exactly identical to ours! This is a subject worthy of getting furious over!

BINKY: Grr!

BUNKY: My entire childhood has just been invalidated! Grr!

(At this point, YOU, the Rational,Grown-Up Sesame Fan, enter the scene.)

YOU: Excuse me, I couldn't help but overhear...

BINKY: Who are you?

YOU: I'm a rational grown-up Sesame Street fan.

BUNKY: You don't say.

YOU: Sure I do.

BUNKY: Far out.

YOU: So, it sounds like you've got your Christmas lights in a tangle, so to speak, over the disclaimer on the Old School DVDs. Tell me, have you actually seen these DVDs?

BINKY: Well, no. But I watched the show when I was a kid, and I --

YOU: And you turned out just fine, I know. I can tell just by looking at you. But did you know that Sesame Workshop, the producer of Sesame Street, constantly does research and testing to determine how to make the best possible show that will simultaneously educate and entertain children?

BUNKY: Um...

YOU: Well, they do. Now, do you think a toddler in the year 2007 is exactly the same as a toddler in the year 1974?

BUNKY: I guess not.

YOU: So isn't it possible that the type of show that can most effectively teach a child while also holding his or her interest in the year 2007 is different from the type of show that accomplished the same feat in 1974?

BUNKY: Huh. I guess so. But my friend sent me a link to a blog by some guy who saw a report about it on Fox News, and he said --

YOU: It may be true that seeing Cookie Monster as Alistair Cookie holding a pipe didn't persuade you to become a smoker. It may also be true that you didn't suffer lead poisoning from playing on playground equipment containing lead paint. Does that mean you want your children to play with lead paint?

BINKY: Gosh, Mr. or Ms. YOU. I never thought about it that way.

YOU: Anyway, here's the important part: The disclaimer doesn't say, "Do not under any circumstances let kids see this stuff because it's bad for them." It just says it "may not suit the needs of today's pre-school children." Now, if you had watched these DVDs, you'd know that the first episode includes a slow-moving, seven-minute segment on milking cows with droning, repetitious narration. Does that sound like the kind of thing today's kids would sit still for?

BINKY: Um... yes?

YOU: Really?

BINKY: No.

YOU: No. There's also a film sequence about unsupervised children playing in a construction site. We could debate whether or not watching that is damaging to kids, but can you blame Sesame Workshop for covering themselves by putting a disclaimer in front of something like that?

BUNKY: Hey, I milked a cow once!

YOU: By the way, since I have your attention, when you complain about today's Sesame Street... have it you seen it lately?

BINKY: Is this a trick question?

YOU: If you were to watch it, you would see that Cookie Monster is still gorging on cookies. Just about every day, in fact, when he and Prairie Dawn do the Letter of the Day segment.

BUNKY: Is Prairie Dawn the same one as Betty Lou?

YOU: Besides, Cookie Monster has been eating healthy foods in addition to cookies for decades. In Old School volume 2, there's a sketch from the mid-70s in which he gets excited about eating lettuce leaves.

BINKY: Get outta town!

YOU: I will not. The Count is still around too, and so are all your other favorite characters.

BINKY: Like Sam the Robot?!

YOU: ...almost all your other favorite characters.

BINKY: So what you're saying is, we shouldn't get all worked up over a few words at the beginning of one disc of a three-disc DVD set whose only purpose is to point out that there's a difference between the 1970s and the 2000s?

YOU: Right.

BINKY: And that just because the stuff we have fond memories of might not be the same stuff that's the best way for today's kids to have fun learning doesn't mean our fond memories are any less valid?

YOU: Right.

BUNKY: And that the counting cartoon with the pinball machine and the "onetwothree FOUR FIVE sixseveneight NINE TEN eleven twelve" song is awesome?

YOU: Well, I hadn't said that, but yes, that's correct.

BINKY: Oh, wise Rational Grown-up Sesame Fan, you've certainly helped me to see things differently.

BUNKY: I'll say! I'm going to stop complaining about Sesame Street DVDs and concern myself with something far more important... like complaining about who won this year's Dancing with the Stars!

YOU: That's the spirit...

BINKY: What's more, I think we should run out and buy many, many copies of the Sesame Street Old School DVDs and distribute them to all our friends so everyone can see that this really isn't a big deal.

YOU: Now you're talkin'!

BINKY: And we should take this Rational Grown-up Sesame Fan out for ice cream, right now!

YOU: Sounds good to me. On the way over I'll explain why it's not necessary for you to hate and fear Elmo.

BUNKY: I can't wait!

CURTAIN.

So there you go. Make these points, and I guarantee your discussions will turn out just like this one, every time. Good luck, and try not to get an ice cream headache.

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Belated Thanks

Thanksgiving is almost here! Do you know what I'm thankful for? Well yeah, okay, I'm thankful for underwear, but do you know what else? I'm thankful for the Fraggle Rock Complete Third Season DVD set. I realize it came out way back in September, but I'm still thankful for it. I am so full of thanks that I slosh when I walk, and I'm going to tell you about it:

I'm Thankful for Episodes I've Never Seen Before. With each new complete season release I grow closer, ever closer, to having seen all 96 episodes. I'll be sad when there are no more left for me to discover, because there are no other good television shows available on DVD. But until then, it's fun to see episodes that are new-to-me, and this season has some real doozies (Not to mention some real Doozers.)

In "The Beanbarrow, the Burden and the Bright Bouquet," Red's life is threatened by voracious foliage and she responds by singing a lullaby to a potted plant. In "Playing Till It Hurts," we meet Rock Hockey Hannah, probably the only Fraggle ever to wear earrings. Who knew they even HAD ears? "Scared Silly" is one of the weaker episodes of the season, but it is notable for affording a rare opportunity to see Boober acting like a total jerkwad. And "Bored Stiff" is a great episode that's really representative of the Fraggle/Gorg relationship... I'd put it on a list of episodes to show a Fraggle neophyte.

I'm Thankful for Episodes I Know and Love. I was a kid and fan of Fraggle Rock during its original run, but I didn't have HBO. Heck, my hometown didn't even have cable yet. I had four channels to choose from, and if the picture got fuzzy, I had to climb up on the roof and adjust the antenna. And I was four years old! So I relied on tapes of Fraggle Rock recorded by my awesome, big-city-dwelling, HBO-having aunt.

A number of those episodes are present here: There's "Wembley and the Mean Genie," with an outstanding performance by Richard Hunt as a genie who's nowhere near as sexy or eager to please as Barbara Eden, although it should be noted that you can't see his belly button either, but it's not so much because of censors as it is because he's a puppet. There's "Boober and the Glob" -- the first Fraggle episode I ever saw, back before I even knew that Fraggles were Muppets -- in which Boober, who can't tell a joke to save his life, has to tell a joke to save someone else's life. "The Secret Society of Poobahs" is here too, with a terrific and occasionally side-splitting Jerry Juhl-penned script about Mokey's attempts to join the ranks of a secret society.

I'm Thankful for the Ever-expanding Universe. By this time all the characters were well-established, so the writers started exploring the world beyond the day-to-day lives of the five principals. There's an all-Gorg episode ("The Battle of Leaking Roof"), as well as two episodes with scenes that take place outside the confines of the Gorg's estate. "The Cavern of Dreams" and "Gunge the Great and Glorious" teach us about Doozer history and politics, and in "Born to Wander," we find out how Uncle Traveling Matt first became an explorer. We even get to see him without his moustache! (Spoiler: He looks weird.)

I'm Thankful for the Presentation of the DVD. We should all bake up some delicious brownies and send them to HIT Entertainment. For the third time now, they've given us a lovely package, suitable for viewing. The episodes all look and sound fine to me, although some of the colors occasionally seem too bright or too dull, but that might just be my TV. (I'll post a review of my TV here next week.)

And talk about extras! Okay, I will. After season one's replica of Jim Henson's brainstorming notebook and season two's copy of the Fraggle Rock pitch book, I was wondering what artifact might remain for inclusion here... a photo of Jerry Juhl's typewriter? A copy of Kathy Mullen's dry cleaning receipts? Well, those aren't here, but instead we get pages and pages of designer Michael Frith's sketches and concept drawings for "The Origin of the Rock." It's fascinating, it comes in a nifty-looking fake pouch, and it's all accompanied by Frith's commentary. Say, did you know that an early incarnation of the Trash Heap was originally conceived as a Sesame Street character? Neither did I -- until now! Just make sure you don't read these in front of an industrial fan, because they're just loose pages, easily susceptible to blowing away.

Oh, and did I mention the featurettes? I hope the producers of the Muppet Show season sets are paying attention, because this is the way to make fans happy. We'd be doing cartwheels and backflips to get this level of quality in our Muppet Show extras.

The 30-minute "Season 3 overview" would have been good enough, with new interview footage of the show's writers talking about how various episodes came to be. For example, "Believe It or Not" came about because writer Jocelyn Stevenson wanted to do an episode about the fact that we all create our own reality, and what you believe things is to be is the way you end up perceiving them. (Is this heavy stuff for a kids' show, or what?) And then you have your "How the heck did they do that?" technical shorts, and your new interviews, including one with Gerry Parkes, the actor who played Doc, and who seems like a wonderfully sweet old man.

As is perhaps obvious, I'm an enormous geek, and I devour any kind of behind-the-scenes footage, so the one featurette that comes as the biggest delightful surprise is "Scared Silly - Art Imitating Life," which is basically footage of the Fraggle folks sitting around talking about how much fun they used to have scaring the heck out of each other on the set. Really, watching the entire "bonus disc" feels like sitting in on a reunion of the cast and crew of the show as they reminisce about what a great few years the show was, and I don't know about you, but I can't think of a better way to spend an afternoon.

Having Said That... I'm trying to find something to complain about, but I gotta say, it's difficult. Actually, there is one thing that bugs me. So, there's a postcard from Uncle Traveling Matt in almost every episode of the series, right? Which means they had to come up with 90-something things for him to misunderstand. Apparently season three was when they started running out of good ideas. Rollercoasters and trains are funny, but lightswitches? Not as funny. One episode's postcard features Matt encountering a mirror and mistaking his reflection for an ugly creature who wants to steal his food. Come on. Matt's stupid, but doesn't it stretch credibility to suggest that he has no clue what he looks like?

So, Yeah. I'm thankful for the show, and I'm thankful for HIT, and I'm thankful for these DVDs. They may not taste as good as the mashed potatoes with gravy I'm planning eat on Thanksgiving, but on the other hand, they don't make a big mess when you put them in the DVD player.

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