Season 3: A to Z (part 1)

We at ToughPigs.com are always striving to keep our readers abreast of all Muppet trivia that comes across our desks. Education is a priority for us, as it was for our forefathers. This is why I want to make sure that you’re all aware of the basic Muppet facts, no matter how minute and obscure they may seem.

For example, did you know that Uncle Deadly was originally built to be the spokesman for Gatorade? Or that Muppeteer Bill Barretta is half chupacabra?

The latest factoid that I heard was about the “missing year” of 1978-1979 in which the TV-watching public saw neither hide nor hair of the Muppets or any other Jim Henson production. But Secret Squirrels have discovered the missing season of The Muppet Show, which apparently aired in between Season 2 and Season 4. The Muppet fan community has taken to calling this “Season 3,” though the name hasn’t been confirmed by Disney or The Jim Henson Company.

What’s that? I’m sorry, speak into my good ear. Oh, you’ve heard of the third season of The Muppet Show? And you know this because you purchased the DVD set that came out back in May? And you’ve watched it a zillion times and memorized every line? And you’ve counted the points on Lew Zealand’s head to enter on his Muppet Wiki article? And you think this whole paragraph sounds like a Bob Newhart routine?

Well, maybe there are some people out there in Internetland who haven’t heard of Season 3. Or, if they have, then maybe they haven’t been able to tear themselves away from the LOLcat blogs for long enough to go out and buy the DVDs. And it’s for those people (and, y’know, everyone else) that I give you The Alphabet of Season 3! So without further ado, I present to you the not-so-missing season of The Muppet Show in a bite-sized educational nugget.

A is for Animal cruelty. Lesley Ann Warren brings her A-game as an Actress as she Amazes at Marvin Suggs’ vicious mauling of some helpless furry creatures.

B is for Bird auditions. Liberace Brings a Bunch of Birds to his dressing room where they’re offscreen for the entire episode. What these auditions involve, we’ll never know. (And, for some reason, he shows up halfway through the episode to remind us that he’s down to his last 10 finalists, even though every Muppet with a beak shows up in his final number. I apologize for my Bitching.)

C is for Cavorting. You Can’t have the Chronicle of Robin Hood without a good Cavort. Lynn Redgrave Cavorts with the best of them. She’s a Cavorting fool! Cavort, Cavort, Cavort.

D is for Disease. Dang, the Muppet Show theater is rife with a Deathly Disease! The Cluckitis epidemic is turning the Muppets into not Ducks, not Dolphins, not even Doorknobs, but strangely familiar chickens! Roger Miller is, for some reason, immune.

E is for Elke. E is also for “Elkee”. E is also for “Elkeh.” See if you can spot how many different pronunciations the Muppets have for Elke Sommer’s name. Egad!

F is for Flat dog. Baskerville the Hound does his Finest Flat-Faced Figure in one of the Purina Dog Food ads on the DVD set. He could have a great career as a Fence.

G is for Girdle. Marisa Berenson Gives Miss Piggy some help in hiding her Girth. Great Googly moogly!

H is for Hunting Season. Leo Sayer gets Harassed by some local Hooligans. How will he get out of this Horrible mess? I Hope it doesn’t end with a Hanging!

I is for Incredibly creepy. My apologies to Leslie Uggams for not mentioning her in the entry for the letter I, but how weird is it that Gonzo falls in love with a 6-year-old male canary, who Invented this silly ABC shtick? Incredible!

J is for Jingle Bells. The Helen Reddy episode contains what may be the best moment of the entire season: The Swedish Chef and Animal singing a Jaunty tune in Helen’s dressing room.

K is for Karate. Cheryl Ladd and Miss Piggy Kick some butt in a Kung-Fu number. Unfortunately, the butt in question belongs to Kermit, which makes me Kringe.

L is for Lots of kids. Loretta Lynn Learns to Love her Little ones. Like, 30 of them. That Lady must’ve Liked getting Laid!

M is for Morbid. Kris Kristofferson and Rita Coolidge can’t even Make eye contact with Gonzo after hearing about his plan to fake his own death for Monetary gain. Ok, so Maybe their reaction is More “Meh”.

Click here for part 2: N-Z!

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