Countdowning to Christmas

The following was written while watching Elmo's Christmas Countdown. Many of my thoughts don't make sense, partly because they were written as train-of-thought and partly because I rarely make sense anyhow. Enjoy!

7:00 – All right, I’m all ready and set for the new Sesame Street Christmas special, Elmo’s Christmas Countdown. I’ve got a bowl of popcorn, a blanket to protect me from this December chill, and the laptop for journaling my experience of watching the special for the very first time. Um, maybe a buttery treat wasn’t such a great idea if I’m going to be typing. Ok, scratch the popcorn and let’s start the special!

7:03 – It’s no secret to people who know me that I can’t stand Ben Stiller. Something About Mary was the only movie I’ve ever walked out of in the theater. I’m going to try hard to not hate everything about Stiller the Elf off the bat. So, without having seen him so far for more than a minute, my only real gripe (so far) is that he’s funny looking. Like, in a bad way. He doesn’t have much of a Muppety look (maybe if they made him out of an Anything Muppet it would have worked better?). Though I do have to say, the lip-syncing is pretty good, considering how big this role is.

7:05 – Ooh, I love this pop-up book set! It sure is pretty. Not pretty enough to make me want to replace the old set, but damn pretty anyway. I hope they have it available on their website to print out so we can make our own Christmassy Sesame Street set.

7:07 – Oscar is great. Not that should be of any surprise to anyone. I like the reference to “I Hate Christmas” from Christmas Eve on Sesame Street.

7:10 – Here’s Oscar Winner Jennifer Hudson. If they’re going to have a whole song for all 10 blocks, they’d better hurry up so they can be done in time for… hmm, what’s on after this? “Duel”? Oh, take your time, Sesame Street.

7:12 – I swear, I’m trying to not loathe Stiller the Elf, but he’s not making it easy. I want to grab him by his fuzzy eyebrows and pull until I hear seams start to tear.

7:14 – Of COURSE Bert has a Celebratory Bowl of Oatmeal.

7:20 – “My little elfin buttox”. Did I hear that right? Did Stiller the Elf just make a butt reference? Can someone let me know so I know whether to increase my Ben Stiller vendetta or, um, edit this article?

7:21 – “I Want a Snuffleupagus for Christmas” is my new favorite Christmas song. Because it’s true.

7:23 – There’s something wrong with this Sopranos Bert-and-Ernie skit. Ah, I know. They’re not dropping enough F-bombs to make it believable. Also, Prairie Dawn is brilliant here. This is Fran Brill’s most entertaining performance since Merlin’s Assistant on The Jim Henson Hour (“Ta-Daaaa!”).

7:27 – I’m starting to think Ben Stiller was only chosen for this role because he’s a self-loathing Jew. Which I would assume most Elves are.

7:33 – I have no idea who this lady is. [During “Do You See What I See”] And as impressive as all these celebrities are, none of them are as satisfying as it would be if these roles were filled by Gordon, Bob, or Susan. And none of them will ever be as famous. Right?

7:36 – I’ve just been informed that she is Alicia Keys. And she has number 6. How convenient.

7:37 – Hey, it’s Oscar Winner Jamie Foxx as an action figure! I wonder if he ever thought he’d be made into an action figure back when he was best known for his role as “Wanda” on In Living Color.

7:43 – Boxes 4, 3, and 2 all at once? Well, that’s one way to make sure we finish this special on time.

7:44 – Did.. did Charles Blitzen just make a fart joke? Again, can someone verify that for me?

7:45 – The Count, a new Sesame TV parody, and Ty Pennington running around like a lunatic? This might be my favorite part of the whole special.

7:47 – There’s something about Muppets wearing hats that I absolutely adore. And Grover’s Christmas top hat is no exception.

7:49 – “I believe in Christmas miracles!” So, Stiller the Elf hasn’t believed in Christmas miracles this whole time? Being an elf, doesn’t that make him a Christmas Miracle himself?

7:50 – I heard a rumor that Cookie Monster doesn’t eat cookies anymore. He just eats ALL OF CHRISTMAS IN ONE BITE! Oh, and vegetables.

7:56 – “I believe! I believe! I believe!” Yikes, Sesame Street is trying to convert me.

7:56 – Kevin James makes easily one of the worst Santas ever. But for some reason, I love it.

7:58 – “Actually, I was going to say ‘Peace Out’…” Forget what I said.

7:59 – Ah, the annual Hanukkah/Kwanzaa mention. And it was said by a talking snowball. Oh well, we can’t all be the Pee-wee’s Playhouse Christmas Special.

Here’s some very brief final thoughts in an already too-long article. The Countdown was a clever way to cram some new songs and sketches into the special, all of which were pretty fun in their own rights. The overall story with the Elf and a very passive Elmo were pretty weak. Plus, it left me with some unanswered questions. Like, why did the Elf think that Oscar would have the most Christmas spirit? And what does it mean that Christmas Almost Didn’t Happen? And who the hell thought it’d be a good idea to give Ben Stiller his own Muppet? These questions may never get answered, much like my questions about how candy canes are made.

Click here to open a Snuffleupagus-sized box on the ToughPigs forum!