Can You Tell Me How To Get, How To Get My Prescription Medication?

True story: At the Archives for National Public Broadcasting (located at the University of Maryland) there are thousands of files from The Children's Television Workshop, many specifically relating to Sesame Street. Recently I spent a day (a holiday) in Maryland browsing through the archives with some friends, because we are in actuality the most boring people who have ever walked upon the Lord's green Earth. These archives include everything from budgetary memos to character and set designs for the Muppets to press clippings from the show's earliest years. Try to contain your excitement! There are also letters from fans.

Any television show will get viewer mail, and for a show as famous as Sesame Street, there's bound to be a lot of it. As you can imagine, most of the viewer mail sent to Sesame Workshop for Sesame Street is from grateful parents letting the staff know they're doing a good job and from kids who want to send warm wishes to their favorite denizens of the Street.

These are not those letters. These are from people who, at best, possibly had only the most tenuous grip on sanity. And it was the '70's, so that's saying something.

Surfacing, dusty and nursing many a paper cut, I bring to you some choice fan letters from the first few seasons of Sesame Street, from when the concept was new and people were getting their first look at a groundbreaking, fresh way to teach children. The reaction? Well, to judge by these letters, it was to first (I imagine) wipe away the drool. Then haul out the trusty old Royal typewriter and set to work.

And because we here at Tough Pigs believe in returning something to the community, I'm going to finally answer some of these letters, even though I have no actual connection to Sesame Workshop, and despite the fact that some of the people who wrote these might be technically dead. Don't thank me; it's my civic duty. The names of the writers have been changed to protect the innocent (unless those names are really funny, then I'm keeping 'em.)

Let's start off with a simple one. A Mr. Bibula (And Family) writes:

We are regular Sesame Street watchers [...] However, we were shocked by possibly the most tasteless routines ever created by you in the persons of Larry and Phyllis. The two skits were 1) oomph-beep-beep and 2) the picture hanging. While the theme of cooperation is an admirable one, the approaches demonstrated by these skits were unbelievably crude.

Ah, yes, the shocking "Oomph-Beep-Beep" skit. Legendary in the fact that it brought hard-core frontal nudity to television in the 1970's.

Well, no, actually. It mostly featured two people sitting on a couch making silly noises. I can only imagine what this person thinks of The Jerry Springer Show. My prediction: their face melted clean off their head the first time they heard "Oh No You Di'int".

This excerpt from another letter displays a similar sensibility:

We have noticed even on the program "Sesame Street" designed for pre-school children that there is an occasional indecently-dressed person and a large number of euphemisms such as "I'll be darned" which is of course a euphemism for "I'll be damned". Also "gee" which is a euphemism for Jesus. "My gosh" which is a euphemism for "My God". [...] We request that a conscientious effort be made to eliminate all vulgarity from your programs, whether it be dressed in the form of song or language or even undressed as a human body.

Well, shit. I'm sure as hell sorry for all the damn foul language. And I guess I spoke too soon about the frontal nudity thing from before.

No, for real. I like how you were being clever with the whole 'dressed/undressed' thing you were going for there. That's quality complaint-lettering, that is.

Next up:

Dear Sirs,
I think there should still be books read on Sesame. I think you are a stupid ass for not reading books any more.

Whoa! Okay, so hopefully you were placated by Reading Rainbow. What's interesting is that while this letter is neatly typewritten, it's signed with the name SUSAN scrawled diagonally down the length of the rest of the page in shaky handwriting. Yeah, it could've been dictated to a parent by a kid, but then why are you letting your kid call someone on Sesame Street an ass? I really hope the person who wrote this letter never corresponded with the person who wrote the letter above.

And speaking of unbelievably crude:

To Whoever Is Thoughtful Enough To Mail Me A Prompt Reply,

Could you please answer the following questions for me:
- Has Molly become addicted to snorting nasal mists? Is that why she had to give up her postal route?

- In regard to the number of Kikes, Niggers, Spics, etc. that predominate the cast of your show, could we please have more of them? Was Raoul deported?

- Could you please tell everyone in the neighborhood to be kinder to Big Bird? He takes a lot of crap, especially from Maria.

Another loyal fan and dedicated teacher.

Wow. Teacher huh? Okay. Well, in response to your questions, Molly the Mail Lady was played by Charlotte Rae. Upon leaving the cast of Sesame Street, she opened and became the headmistress of a girls' school in Peekskill, New York. Although your 'nasal mist' theory is as good a reason as any for why she acts like that.

The character Rafael was played by Raul Julia. He later became a goth and then an accomplished street fighter.

Yeah, Big Bird does take a lot of crap, doesn't he? Well, don't you worry - you don't stay an eight foot tall bird for long without learning a trick or two. There was an... incident. Suffice to say Maria doesn't give Big Bird a hard time any more.

Sesame Street is, as you know, dedicated to showcasing diversity in its cast. As you have no doubt seen, additions to the cast have included wetbacks, chinks and even retards! In the future it's possible you might see a fag or a dyke!

Speaking of departed cast members:

Please tell me what happened to my old friends. Did God take the 'old' Gordon & Molly & Rafael up to the clouds because they got bad boo-boos when they ran across the street and got hit by a truck like my kitty-cat, Friend? My Mummy says they didn't go up in the sky but she can't tell me where they went. Can you?

They're, uh, they're on a farm. Yeah, that's right. A great, big farm where they can run and play as much as they want. Lots of rabbits to chase. And they have a nice spot by the fire to sleep in, too.

From an irate viewer:

I'm real pissed off cause no one sees the Snuffleupagus. If someone besides the kids don't see him I quit watching & I won't give any support. So the choice is yours.

This person grew up to write some of the greatest internet petitions of all time.

Then we have a frustrated Mom:

I would like to see Cookie Monster changed to Apple Freak or Fruit Monster. It is an unusual cookie that is better than a piece of fruit. Making children think cookies are fun to eat isn't fair to us mothers. I hope some consideration is given to this

And thus we have everyone's favorite Sesame character: Apple Freak.

Lastly:

Do you know what an "around down up, down* and a monkey tail", is? You should!! it would add new demensions (sic) to your program.

What do you even say to that? Oh, wait, I know:

You're absolutely right! These new demensions are mind blowing. I also now know that around the corner fudge is made. Well, it was until 1986 at least - that business closed down. Now it's a shoe store, I think.

*Also: Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select and Start. 30 lives!