Better to Have Gifts Than Receipts

Over the years, there have been way too many Muppet Christmas specials, and they all do their best to teach us what the holiday is all about. But we already know what the holiday is all about: presents.

I got to thinking... Of all the Christmas presents exchanged in all the Muppet Christmas productions, which are the good ones and which ones should have stayed under the tree? (All of these specials are look-up-able on Muppet Wiki.)

The production: A Muppet Family Christmas

The gift: Kermit gets Miss Piggy a mink

Piggy is initially excited when Kermit announces that he got her a mink for Christmas, less excited when the mink turns out to be a living, talking specimen, then thrilled when Maureen Mink turns out to be Piggy's biggest fan.

I remember seeing the first airing of the special on TV, and thinking, Cool, a new character! I guess she'll be part of the Muppet gang now! Of course, we've never seen Maureen again, so I can only assume Piggy either returned her for store credit, or... well, I won't say any more lest I get Piggy in trouble with PETA.

Score: 7.5/10

Kermit probably spent a lot of money on Maureen... but what do minks eat?

The production: "The Bells of Fraggle Rock" episode of Fraggle Rock

The gift: Doc and Sprocket get mittens and dog biscuits, respectively, inside a piñata from Doc's coworker Señor Gomez

While Gobo is busy learning about faith and causing his friends to freeze to death, Doc and Sprocket get a subplot in which Doc tells Sprocket about winter holidays from around the world. So Señor Gomez's piñata is a fine gift, both educational and fun. Too bad nobody wants mittens for Christmas.

Score: 5.5/10

The production: The Christmas Toy

The gift: Jamie's parents or possibly Santa (I'm not sure it's made clear which) give Jamie a Meteora action figure

What is up with Meteora? Supposedly Jamie really wants this toy, but come on. She looks like a dominatrix. Did Jamie ask for a dominatrix for Christmas? And Meteora's all about, like, attacking people and taking over the planet. The same little girl who was thrilled to get an adorable stuffed tiger last year now wants an unattractive, warmongering spacewoman with a serious frizz problem? At the end of the special, Jamie kisses Meteora and tells her she loves her, but it seems highly unlikely to me.

Score: 2/10

The production: Elmo's World: Happy Holidays
The gift: Elmo gives Dorothy a drawing he made

Elmo spends this entire special trying to think of a good present for Dorothy, but gifts such as a new sweater, a bottle of wine, or a puppy are just not appropriate for a fish. On a suggestion from a fat guy in a red suit, he uses his imagination and comes up with an original work of art called "Dorothy's World," which depicts Elmo inside Dorothy's fishbowl. (Presumably in Dorothy's World Elmo has gills.)

Score: 4/10
This is a last-minute gift that looks like something scribbled by a three-year-old. I'm only scoring it this high because Elmo trekked all the way to North Pole and sat through a boring song about the Christmas spirit in order to get Santa's advice.


The production: A Muppets Christmas: Letters to Santa
The gift: The Muppets' neighbor Claire asks Santa for, and receives, Christmas with the Muppets

Santa grants a few different wishes in the new Muppet Christmas special from this year: Nathan Lane gets a tricycle, which, sadly, we don't get to see him ride. Pepe gets an opera voice, which should really come in handy when they get around to making The Muppets' Gotterdammerung. Claire's letter to Santa, the plot device that drives the whole special, is simply to spend Christmas with all her Muppety friends.

Score: 8.5/10
Claire lives in the same building as the Muppets, so she gets to see them every day anyway. So I was going to rate this one pretty low... but then I got to thinking, How great a present would it be to have the Muppets come to your house on Christmas Eve? It would blow 1987's ThunderCats Cat's Lair playset out of the water, that's for sure.


The production: A Special Sesame Street Christmas
The gift: Big Bird gives Leslie Uggams a hat that everyone hates

This is the little-seen Sesame Christmas special (Danny wrote about it on this site a while back) in which Leslie Uggams is inexplicably hanging out on Sesame Street on Christmas. The humans all chip in to buy her a present, and they entrust Big Bird to pick it out, which is a pretty terrible idea. Was he established as being six years old back then? I wouldn't want a six-year-old picking out my present. Anyway, Leslie doesn't even pretend to like the hat, but she turns it into a cue for an inspiring song about really crappy Christmas presents.

Score: 1/10


The production: Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas
The gift: Emmet attempts to give his Ma a piano, while she attempts to give him a guitar

You know the story. The otters have noble gift-giving intentions, but each of them sacrifices the other's prized possession, then they both lose the talent contest, so they don't make any money, so they can't buy any presents so they did it all for nothing. But they still have each other... and then there is that happy ending. Hmm.

Score: I can't decide. What do you think?


The production: The Great Santa Claus Switch
The gift: Santa Claus gives Thog and Thig a toy truck and a teddy bear, respectively.

In this very first Muppet Christmas special, the guy who played Ed Norton on The Honeymooners teaches two naked, monstrous beasts that Christmas is all about giving toys away without expecting anything in return. Rumor has it that Thig was so touched by this lesson that he quit the Muppets and became the head of the Salvation Army.

Score: 7/10


The production: A Muppet Family Christmas
The gift: Robin gives Grover a Fraggle pebble

A tiny rock is just about the cheapest, most worthless gift you could ever give... but when it's changing hands between the two cutest Muppets in the world in a gesture of selflessness, it seems a lot better than one of those XBox 3whatchamacallits. Besides, Grover seems genuinely touched to receive it, and he's not one to fake sincerity. This gifting also happens to connect three different Muppet worlds, which is the point of the whole special.

Score: 10/10
The best part of the Fraggle pebble is that Grover can pawn it off on the first monster, rat, or chicken he sees, and rather than seeming ungrateful, he's just following the tradition!


The production: Christmas Eve on Sesame Street
The gift: Mr. Hooper returns Bert's paper clip collection and Ernie's rubber duckie to their rightful owners

If only they used money on Sesame Street, this story never would have happened. Bert trades Mr. Hooper his paper clips for a soapdish for Rubber Duckie, and Ernie trades Mr. Hooper Rubber Duckie for a cigar box for Bert's paper clips. Then Mr. Hooper gives everything back, which means he gets absolutely nothing from the whole deal except the satisfaction of selflessness, which, of course, is the true meaning of blah blah blah.

Of course, it's not like he would have had much need for a used rubber duckie anyway. The really important thing here, though, is this: Is this the only time a grown-up human was ever seen in Bert and Ernie's apartment? He looks very tall.

Score: 9/10

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, everyone! I hope you get presents that don't suck!

Do you agree with my assessments? Disagree? Which ones did I leave out? Click here to talk about this article on the Tough Pigs forum!

ToughPigsRyan@yahoo.com

This is a Muppet News Flash: No News Tonight

It's being wildly reported that there's a new Muppet TV show in the works, being written by Jason Segel. A "source", who we'll call "Stu the Intern" for the time being, has stepped into the spotlight to say "Jason is a massive Muppets fan and is seen as the man to finally bring The Muppet Show back to TV." Exactly 2.5 seconds later, the news ticker was off, printing a ribbon of text predicting the future of a nude Jason Segel-penned television series starring a bunch of talking socks. (Although to be fair, the story was buried by another newsbit about 4 seconds later regarding Barack Obama leaving his wife for the Montauk Monster.)

Now, I'd love to see a new Muppet series as much as the next fanatic, but I'm thinking that this was just a slip-of-the-lip by our friend Stu. I mean, TV and movies have so much in common, it's easy to say one instead of the other. Just look at M*A*S*H; I heard that was supposed to be a radio drama before a debacle involving a typo'ed press release.

Though this is hardly the first time we've been teased about a new Muppet Show, especially in recent years. Just take a look at this list that I totally didn't make up at all:

-Back in the 80s, there was a show on ABC's schedule in which two Whatnot Muppets would don wigs and eyelashes in a vain attempt to get an apartment in an all-female apartment building. The idea was blatantly stolen by Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari, who are currently having one half of a terrific career.

-After the success of The Great Muppet Caper, a series was planned featuring Marla, Carla and Darla. The trio gave up their jewel-stealing days to work undercover for the FBI. The series was put on permanent hold after executives learned that there would be no puppets in the show. No wait, not puppets, I meant nudity. Nudity.

-Five words: The Clive Cahuenga Variety Hour.

-An issues-oriented talk show on CNBC starring The Muppets at Walt Disney World's Quentin Fitzwaller.

-Had Animal Jam continued its run, the last 15 minutes of every episode would have been dedicated to "Bozark's World," a segment in which everyone's favorite elephant and his pet iguana would spotlight a topic and talk it to death.

-A family sitcom called "Good Grief, Our Dad's a Bear!" starring Fozzie Bear and Téa Leoni. Unfortunately, the idea of a comedian lead with an attractive wife had already been done on "Everybody Loves Raymond," "According to Jim," "My Wife and Kids," "Still Standing," "The Flintstones," and countless others. And that's not to mention the pilot starring Sweetums and Jennifer Aniston as a husband and wife traveling salesman team.

-After their dismissal after the first season of The Muppet Show, NBC purchased the contracts for Mildred, George the Janitor, Hilda, the Guru, and Wayne and Wanda to star in a competing variety show. When it became obvious that the show would fail, NBC just threw them in the Saturday Night Live band.

-In order to fill in the plot holes within episodes of Fraggle Rock, "White Collar Doozers" covered the thrilling stories of Doozers in the contracts department, toiling away at their tiny desks, drinking their tiny coffee, and having tiny little ulcers.

So while we wait to see-it-before-we-believe-it regarding a new Muppet series, we'll just keep our fingers crossed and hope that the rumors are true. No, not that The Clive Cahuenga Variety Hour is coming to DVD; that a new Muppet Show is a real possibility, and I'll get to stop making up lists about obscure characters in fictionalized productions!
Click here to daydream about Muppets in your TV Guide on the ToughPigs forum!

joe.toughpigs@gmail.com

Remembering Bernie

Earlier this week, the world lost another important person close to the Muppets: Bernie Brillstein. Bernie managed Jim Henson throughout most of his career, and was pivotal in the creation of productions such as The Muppet Show, The Muppet Movie, and Fraggle Rock. He also executive-produced shows like ALF and It’s Garry Shandling’s Show and movies like Ghostbusters, The Blues Brothers, and The Cable Guy. Not to mention the long list of big celebrities that he personally represented, like Rob Lowe, Jennifer Aniston, Wayne Brady, and just about every cast member of Saturday Night Live.

For more about Bernie’s life, check out his entry on the Muppet Wiki. For a whole lot more about Bernie’s life, I wholeheartedly recommend reading his autobiography, “Where Did I Go Right?”, which is a terrific read.

The life of Bernie Brillstein is really only half of his story. The other half comes with the all-important character of Bernie, as seen on The Muppet Show, The Muppet Movie, Sesame Street, Fraggle Rock, live appearances, web shows, and even non-Henson productions. His resume is almost as long as the frog’s!

Feeling uneducated regarding all things Muppet? That’s all right; be prepared to learn! In honor of the late, great Bernie Brillstein, here is a retrospective of his namesake, the aptly-named Bernie.

Before The Muppets were The Muppets, Kermit the Frog was discovered by Bernie the Agent. Bernie showed Kermit that he was able to spot a potential star after a half of a song and a couple wisecracks, that he loves to pronounce the word “Hollywood,” and that he has an intense fear of alligators. If it weren’t for him, Kermit would have never lost his bicycle! Oh, and he would have never met his friends and became famous or whatever.

Bernie represented singer Lola Falana for a short while, but he was let go after failing to get her out of her commitment to guest star on The Muppet Show, even though she only gave him 15 seconds notice and appeared to have a great time flirting with Gonzo.

Bernie also represented Boober Fraggle for a time, as seen in the Fraggle Rock wrap party tape. Boober came close to convincing Bernie to try and cast him as the leading man in the new Meryl Streep movie, but Bernie knows where his client’s talents lie. And he let Boober know of his exact thoughts by, uh, hanging up on him. So much for that ten percent.

In an episode of From the Balcony, Statler calls out to Bernie, who is just offscreen. I’ll be honest with you, I gave up on From the Balcony pretty quickly, so I can only imagine that the bit involved some sort of bad pun about being old and very little to do with actually rating movies.

While filming the classic film, “Singin’ in the Rain” (the one starring Grover and directed by Prairie Dawn.. what movie were YOU thinking of??), Grover bailed on his responsibilities as an actor to take lunch with Bernie, who I’m sure was on set in an advisory capacity. Prairie Dawn has held a blood vendetta against him ever since.

In the John Landis film, “Into the Night,” Jim Henson (the Muppet guy) is having an argument with Bernie over the phone. “Have I ever lied to you?” asks Henson, “Okay, but can we talk about it?” he pleads, mercifully. Suddenly, Henson is surrounded by tuxedoed goons and offers to call Bernie back later. Sources say that they did finish their conversation at a later date.

The latest proof of Bernie’s existence was in a 2007 episode of The Late Late Show, in which an infuriated Miss Piggy threatened to call him after learning that the show doesn’t air until 12:30am. As of printing date, Bernie has not been able to remove a “Late” from the Late Late Show.

It’s still too early to tell if Bernie the character has passed along with the non-fictional Bernie, but I’m sure we’ll hear from him again soon. Because even though the people we love and respect pass away, their legacies will live on forever. A simple concept, but one the Muppets have kept true.

Click here to help us remember Bernie Brillstein on the ToughPigs forum.

Viral Muppeting

By the year 2004, variety shows on television were already in a comatose state when they were finally put out of their misery with The Nick and Jessica Variety Hour. With no viable outlet left for celebrities to sing and dance and make up funny skits, there hasn't been much hope for The Muppets to find their space on television.

But wait.

Who's that stopping the Locomotion with his bare hands? Racing faster than a speeding Buick? Leaping over tall buildings like they were homeless people sleeping in the street? It's.. the Internet!

Yes, the good old time-wasting internet, cleverly disguised as mild-mannered education and technology! With the powers it inherited from its home planet YouTube, it has brought songs and puppets and entertainment straight to the thing you're staring at right now.

The Swedish Chef, Gonzo, Beaker, and Statler and Waldorf have all started their own YouTube accounts, along with a brand-flipping new video from each (or 4 videos from the old farts). Take a gander at what our furry friends hath brought:
















(See our previous article about this video by clicking here)

The question remains: Now that they've covered unintelligible Public Domain songs and generic negative video reviews, what could they possibly do next? I've come up with a few suggestions, just in case Kermit and friends have stooped low enough to troll the blogs for ideas.

-"Ask a Penguin", in which a penguin answers e-mails from viewers. Unfortunately, every episode is read in the "Waak waak waak" of penguin talk, and the advice is always to eat more fish.

-"Leave Annie Sue Alone", where a teary-eyed, mascara'ed Scooter begs viewers to stop harassing the former starlet (and current dentist's assistant).

-"lonelyvalleygirl15", a video blog by Janice in which she reminisces about her time as a child actress on Muppet Babies. Rumors abound that all of her accounts are fictionalized, as nobody can find proof of a "Baby Janice".

-"Will It Blend (My Assistant)?", in which Dr. Bunsen Honeydew places his associate Beaker in a giant blender with different objects, such as a Gorilla Detector or Robot Rabbit, to see which will become horribly disfigured first.

-"Every Other Day", where Bobo the Bear takes his own picture every day for a year. Unfortunately, since Bobo doesn't move much, the project is completely ineffective.

-"Kermie Girl", starring an overly excited Miss Piggy as she proclaims her love for her favorite frog through song. There is still no word as to how badly this will affect Kermit's campaign for the Presidency.

Normally, this article would be considered parody. But nowadays with the all-around wackiness of YouTube, these videos could actually happen. So if you see a picture of a penguin dressed as a ninja, let me know so I can demand my 10%.

Click here to share your ideas for Muppet videos on the ToughPigs forum!

joe.toughpigs@gmail.com

Season 3: A to Z (part 2)

Check out part 1 of Season 3: A to Z by clicking here! You can't expect to understand N-Z without reading A-M first, now can you?

N is for the Nazi Salute. When Spike Milligan participated in the Nod to all Nations, he felt it Necessary to also acknowledge the genocidists of the world. Thankfully, it’s a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it salute. Not-so-thankfully, it forever tarnished “It’s a Small World” for me.

O is for Onions. Oh, that Beauregard! So Obtuse! So Obvious! He Ordered Onions for Harry Belafonte’s big number! Me say Day-O indeed!

P is for Penzance. Perchance, when Gilda Radner first Perceived of a Penzance Plot, she Planned on a Parrot. Instead, Kermit Purchased a giant vegetable. Punniness ensued.

Q is for Quintuplets. That’s the only way I could explain Roy Clark’s doppelganger number.

R is for Rocky III. Really, when Sylvester Stallone Ran for a new Rocky film, he Reused footage from this episode of The Muppet Show. Mr. T was unavailable for comment.

S is for Sex. Raquel Welch and Fozzie Bear practically do it backstage of the theater. And no, that’s not innuendo.

T is for Tuned Clams. Too bad, we didn’t Tune in To see Manny Kaye play his Tuned clams Tonight. Instead, we had to watch that hack, Danny Kaye. No relation.

U is for Unitard. Unfortunately, the Alice Cooper episode of The Muppet Show is decidedly Un-scary. But that Unitard: Ugh!

V is for Violence. Jean Stapleton claims Victory as she duets with Crazy Harry and his Valuable Explodaphone! And yes, that’s really Jean in the photo above, and not an exploding Victor Borge.

W is for What makes Muppets Work? In the special feature, Muppets on Puppets, Jim Henson and his Weirdo friends explain Who the Muppets are and Why they are so Wacky. Shot in amazing black and White.

X is for X-tra sensory perception. Hey, you try coming up with something besides Xylophone for the letter X! We came this close to an entry on James Coco’s insistence on XXX dancers.

Y is for Yodeling. Yikes, Kermit almost calls Roy Rogers a Yellow-bellied Yankee! His Yodeling made Kermit Yearn for a black Yarmulke!

Z is for Zippity Zip Zap Shabadoo Yeah! Pearl Bailey put some Zing into her spring with Floyd in one Zazztastic number. (The writer of this article obviously has no rhythm)

And there you have it, 26 entries chock-full of alphabetty goodness, plus the added benefit of generic Muppet jokes! Who could ask for anything more?

Come on back when the fourth season of The Muppet Show comes out and I find a link between each episode and every color in the rainbow!

Click here to spell your name with Muppet Show guest stars on the ToughPigs forum!

Season 3: A to Z (part 1)

We at ToughPigs.com are always striving to keep our readers abreast of all Muppet trivia that comes across our desks. Education is a priority for us, as it was for our forefathers. This is why I want to make sure that you’re all aware of the basic Muppet facts, no matter how minute and obscure they may seem.

For example, did you know that Uncle Deadly was originally built to be the spokesman for Gatorade? Or that Muppeteer Bill Barretta is half chupacabra?

The latest factoid that I heard was about the “missing year” of 1978-1979 in which the TV-watching public saw neither hide nor hair of the Muppets or any other Jim Henson production. But Secret Squirrels have discovered the missing season of The Muppet Show, which apparently aired in between Season 2 and Season 4. The Muppet fan community has taken to calling this “Season 3,” though the name hasn’t been confirmed by Disney or The Jim Henson Company.

What’s that? I’m sorry, speak into my good ear. Oh, you’ve heard of the third season of The Muppet Show? And you know this because you purchased the DVD set that came out back in May? And you’ve watched it a zillion times and memorized every line? And you’ve counted the points on Lew Zealand’s head to enter on his Muppet Wiki article? And you think this whole paragraph sounds like a Bob Newhart routine?

Well, maybe there are some people out there in Internetland who haven’t heard of Season 3. Or, if they have, then maybe they haven’t been able to tear themselves away from the LOLcat blogs for long enough to go out and buy the DVDs. And it’s for those people (and, y’know, everyone else) that I give you The Alphabet of Season 3! So without further ado, I present to you the not-so-missing season of The Muppet Show in a bite-sized educational nugget.

A is for Animal cruelty. Lesley Ann Warren brings her A-game as an Actress as she Amazes at Marvin Suggs’ vicious mauling of some helpless furry creatures.

B is for Bird auditions. Liberace Brings a Bunch of Birds to his dressing room where they’re offscreen for the entire episode. What these auditions involve, we’ll never know. (And, for some reason, he shows up halfway through the episode to remind us that he’s down to his last 10 finalists, even though every Muppet with a beak shows up in his final number. I apologize for my Bitching.)

C is for Cavorting. You Can’t have the Chronicle of Robin Hood without a good Cavort. Lynn Redgrave Cavorts with the best of them. She’s a Cavorting fool! Cavort, Cavort, Cavort.

D is for Disease. Dang, the Muppet Show theater is rife with a Deathly Disease! The Cluckitis epidemic is turning the Muppets into not Ducks, not Dolphins, not even Doorknobs, but strangely familiar chickens! Roger Miller is, for some reason, immune.

E is for Elke. E is also for “Elkee”. E is also for “Elkeh.” See if you can spot how many different pronunciations the Muppets have for Elke Sommer’s name. Egad!

F is for Flat dog. Baskerville the Hound does his Finest Flat-Faced Figure in one of the Purina Dog Food ads on the DVD set. He could have a great career as a Fence.

G is for Girdle. Marisa Berenson Gives Miss Piggy some help in hiding her Girth. Great Googly moogly!

H is for Hunting Season. Leo Sayer gets Harassed by some local Hooligans. How will he get out of this Horrible mess? I Hope it doesn’t end with a Hanging!

I is for Incredibly creepy. My apologies to Leslie Uggams for not mentioning her in the entry for the letter I, but how weird is it that Gonzo falls in love with a 6-year-old male canary, who Invented this silly ABC shtick? Incredible!

J is for Jingle Bells. The Helen Reddy episode contains what may be the best moment of the entire season: The Swedish Chef and Animal singing a Jaunty tune in Helen’s dressing room.

K is for Karate. Cheryl Ladd and Miss Piggy Kick some butt in a Kung-Fu number. Unfortunately, the butt in question belongs to Kermit, which makes me Kringe.

L is for Lots of kids. Loretta Lynn Learns to Love her Little ones. Like, 30 of them. That Lady must’ve Liked getting Laid!

M is for Morbid. Kris Kristofferson and Rita Coolidge can’t even Make eye contact with Gonzo after hearing about his plan to fake his own death for Monetary gain. Ok, so Maybe their reaction is More “Meh”.

Click here for part 2: N-Z!

Click here to talk about your favorite letters on the ToughPigs forum!

27 Things to Do During "When Love Is Gone"

Christmas is rapidly approaching, and that can only mean one thing: It's time to blow the dust off your copy of The Muppet Christmas Carol and sit down to enjoy a lovely adaptation of a classic work of literature, presented exactly the way author Charles Dickens envisioned it. Christmas Carol is a warm, funny, pleasant film with a lot to recommend it, but there is one major problem with it, and that problem is called "When Love Is Gone."

There's a scientific theory that states that every musical has to have one Boring Song. The Boring Song is a slow number, usually about some dull subject like love, during which the kids in the audience start fidgeting and the grown-ups' attention starts drifting to more interesting thoughts, like 5.99% fixed APR financing. In Guys and Dolls, it's "I've Never Been in Love Before," in the film version of Grease it's "Hopelessly Devoted to You," and so on, and in Christmas Carol it most definitely is "When Love Is Gone." The whole movie grinds to a screeching halt as Belle, a character we don't know very well, stares into space and sings about how she and Scrooge used to be in love but now they're not and boo hoo hoo. Oh, and there are no Muppets onscreen for the duration of the song, which lasts about 4 minutes.*

But hey, the good news is, you don't have to sit through it. With that in mind, I hereby present 27 Things to Do During "When Love Is Gone."

-Make two two-minute eggs.

-See if you can drink hot chocolate through your nose.

-Build a snowman in your living room.

-Draw on your TV screen so it looks like Belle has a goatee and antlers.

-Pick your nose.

-Darn your socks.

-Learn to juggle.

-Stand on your head and say, "Belle! Whut in tarnation are you doin' hangin' from the ceiling?"

-Balance your checkbook.

-Balance your checkbook on your nose.

-Try to name all the Muppet Show guest stars in alphabetical order by middle name.

-Grow a moustache.

-Flip through your copy of the original Charles Dickens Christmas Carol until you find the page where Bob Cratchit goes ice-skating with penguins.

-Give yourself a tattoo of Michael Caine.

-Catch up on the Tough Pigs forum.

-Read the "linoleum" article on Muppet Wiki.

-Browse the IMDb message board for Muppet Christmas Carol, which includes this thought-provoking inquiry: "You know how in the original story of A Christmas Carol, there is only the ghost of Jacob Marley and he doesn't have a brother? Obviously, they altered this for the movie in order to have Statler and Waldorf in the role. What I just noticed is the name that they give the new character... Robert Marley, which was also the full name of singer Bob Marley. I wonder if it's just a coincidence or if the filmmakers did it on purpose?"

-Leave your own review on IMBb, in which you explore the deep socio-political metaphors inherent in the "light the lamp, not the rat!" scene.

-Practice your moose call.

-Mentor a child.

-Mentor a moose.

-Read the back of the DVD case out loud in the manner of a lucha libre wrestling announcer.

-Put some hydrogen peroxide on that before it gets infected.

-Mute the TV and make up dirty lyrics to the song, and sing them in a piercing falsetto (if you can't do piercing falsetto, try a Mortimer Snerd voice.)

-Go to eBay and place a $538 bid on this "UGLY Christmas sweater small w/REAL JINGLE BELLS"

-Clean the octopus tank. (Applies to octopus owners only.)

-Read Danny and Kynan's My Week with The Muppet Christmas Carol article from a few years back.

-Have a contest with your friends: As the scene goes on, bellow the word "BOOO-RING!" and see who can go the loudest and draw it out the longest. The winner gets to sing a duet with Michael Caine.

There you have it. Try any of these suggestions, or ALL of them, and the song will be over before you know it. Merry Christmas!

*It's interesting to note that, as it's explained on Muppet Wiki, the song was cut for the American theatrical release of the film. It was later restored for home video. Why? Only Brian Henson and the Ghost of Christmas Past can say.

Click here to discuss this article on the Tough Pigs forum!

ToughPigsRyan@yahoo.com

24 Reasons to Watch Season 2

The second season of The Muppet Show has now officially been out on the market for about two weeks. And if you're a decent sort of Muppet fan, you'll have already watched it several times, nitpicked it to death, and cried over all of the scenes with Miss Mousey.

But if you haven't watched the second season yet, you are in luck. I have gone through the trouble of picking out the very best scenes from every episode and prepared them in an easy-to-read format for your enjoyment.

So without further ado-doo-do-do-doo, here are 24 spectacular scenes and riveting reasons to watch The Muppet Show: Season Two.

Episode 1 - Don Knotts

The many faces of Don Knotts!

Episode 2 - Zero Mostel

There is nothing in the world more satisfying than Zero Mostel trying to murder Sam the Eagle with a hammer. Except maybe when he points his gun at Sam, then points it into his own mouth when Sam turns around, while Sam hardly flinches.

Episode 3 - Milton Berle

MAKEUP!

Episode 4 - Rich Little

It's comforting to know that world-famous impersonator Rich Little crashes and burns when he attempts to do the voices of Fozzie, Kermit and Piggy.

It's more comforting to know that Mark Hamill can do a better job at it.

Episode 5 - Judy Collins

Judy Collins' strung-out performance. Note her muffled bewilderment at Crazy Harry's explosion and the sincerity with which she sings a ballad in front of three incredibly creepy clowns.

Episode 6 - Nancy Walker

The biting honesty when Nancy Walker admits to Fozzie that the show is a flop, right after picking up his spirits with a jaunty song. It's like I'm watching an episode of "Rhoda"!

Episode 7 - Edgar Bergen

Charlie McCarthy does nothing but insult the Muppets in any way he can muster, only to be asked to join their motley clan. And how does he thank them? More insults! Thanks, you wooden jackass.

Episode 8 - Steve Martin

Richard Hunt's laugh. Go ahead, try not to think about it. You can't.

Episode 9 - Madeline Kahn

Because Madeline Kahn was once the sexiest, most talented women in entertainment.

Episode 10 - George Burns

Didn't want to dooo ittt...

Episode 11 - Dom DeLuise

Because where else will you find a sci-fi Dom DeLuise playing whack-a-mole with Merdlidops? Other than that one episode of "Studio 60", I mean.

Episode 12 - Bernadette Peters

Because all you really need is for Gloat, Miss Mousey, and Droop to believe in you.

Episode 13 - Rudolph Nureyev

Because Sam the Eagle spends a half hour convincing the Muppets to wear tuxedos, only to feel insulted when Rudolph Nureyev wears one.

Episode 14 - Elton John

Two words: shag carpet.

Episode 15 - Lou Rawls

Because no other show has a blurry Lou Rawls as a guest star.

Episode 16 - Cleo Laine

Because you can pinpoint the exact moment when Cleo Laine's career ended. Here's a two-word hint: Bruce Schwartz.

*EDITED to say that according to ToughPigs contributor David, despite Bruce Schwartz's best efforts, Cleo Laine's career apparently is alive and well. You can read all about it here.

Episode 17 - Julie Andrews

Because Julie Andrews owns a cow.

Episode 18 - Jaye P. Morgan

Because at one point, Jaye P. Morgan's head gets caught on fire.
And then she imitates Dr. Teeth's mouth-open-and-head-nodding-thing-that-Muppets-do-after-a-song-thing.

Episode 19 - Peter Sellers

Because it's the only Muppet Show episode that can possibly get away with a Nazi-esque character.

Episode 20 - Petula Clark

Shameless promotion.

Episode 21 - Bob Hope

Because I been through the desert on a horse with no knees...

Episode 22 - Teresa Brewer

Because Teresa Brewer is a fatty fatty boom batty. Lookit all those treats!

Episode 23 - John Cleese

Because the pirate sketch is the best non-Monty Python sketch ever performed by 1/6 of the troupe.

Episode 24 - Cloris Leachman

Because Cloris Leachman gets booed in the first 15 seconds of the show. By a bunch of vegetables.

And there you have it, folks. 24 episodes, 24 great reasons to buy season 2 on DVD. And if that ain't enough, maybe you should try the H.R. Pufinstuf fan site.

Click here to discuss awkward guest stars and animated gifs on the ToughPigs forum!