The Ugly Muppet Toy Pageant 2008: RESULTS!

Welcome, everyone, to the 2008 Ugly Muppet Toy Pageant. In case you've forgotten how this works, here are Sad, Pathetic, Broken-Eyed Cookie Monster and Drum Major Oscar to present the rules:

Over the past few weeks, the Ugly Toy contestants were rated, evaluated, and in some cases hated by the Tough Pigs community at large. People rated each toy on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being "not that ugly" and 5 being "extreeeeemely ugly." Here, now, today, at last, finally, comma, we'll count down the "winners," starting with the Not That Ugly toys, and working up to the toys that have been voted by our readers as the ugliest toys of the year. Color commentary from the voters is provided for your entertainment.

Thank you, fellas. Sad, Pathetic, Broken-Eyed Cookie Monster and Drum Major Oscar, ladies and gentlemen. Let's hear it for them. And now, on with the results!

Not Really That Ugly

Wendy Loves Kermit - Madame Alexander, found somewhere on the internet

Score: 2.5

"Wendy thinks it's not easy being green, but try having a head that weighs more than the rest of your body." -Mary Catherine O

"If Wendy loves Kermit, what's she doing with this thing?" - Justin W

"Who's Wendy?" -Kris

Bert as a carpenter - submitted by Halfway Down the Stairs
Score: 2.52

"Bert looks like such a tool." -Michal R

"He won't get the job done, but he won't maul your children either." -Kris

"He can build a beach house in just a week, but it takes three hours for him to dress himself." -Lara F

"I didn't think there was much else you could do to make Bert look more uncool. I stand corrected. Mystified, disgusted, and corrected." -David B


Gonzo sugar bowl - Sigma, mid 1970s, found on Muppet Wiki
Score: 2.56

"It reminds me of something my crazy grandmother might have painted. In therapy. On her ward in the psych hospital." -Jessica E

"You can't tell me this isn't EXACTLY what Gonzo would do if he ever encountered a giant sugar bowl." -Grant

"I'm amused at the idea that Gonzo is portraying both the Mad Hatter and the Dormouse. Oh, and the town drunk." -Joe H

"From Gonzo's brief 'pickle-as-a-nose" phase." -Mary Catherine O

"...Right. Sugar." -Lara F

"When was Gonzo a disgruntled chimney sweep?" -Colin G

Retro Kermit - Brass Key Collectibles, submitted by Jamie Badminton, Halfway Down the Stairs, and Joe Hennes
Score: 2.68

"This is one of the worst things I have ever seen." -Tony W

"Who'd have thought you could admire Kermit's outtasite 'fro AND use him to wash dishes?" -Nancy P

"I love how it's called 'Retro Kermit' -- as if Kermit EVER did or would sport that look." -Justin P

"We know what Kermit looked like in the 70s, and it certainly wasn't the love child of Don King and Barry Gibb." -Mary Catherine O

"...the real kicker is his childbearing hips." -Mo W

Gonzo doll - submitted by Jamie Badminton
Score: 2.84

"How ugly can it be? It's not wearing a chili pepper tie." -Peter P

"It looks like Cookie Monster is swallowing Gonzo whole." -Michael H

"Probably gonna enjoy a HELL of a hangover in the morning." -Smig

"He wears it to his left just like I do." -James W

"That mouth... Why?" -Tony W


Elmo as Oscar - Sanrio, submitted by Danny Horn
Score: 2.84

"I am agog." -David B

"If we ever needed proof that Elmo was a horrific alien larva, devouring his victims from the inside before bursting, hideously swollen, out of their shriveled skins... er... why did we want that proof again?" -Justin W

"Is he wearing Oscar's skin? Is Elmo Buffalo Bill???" -Joe H

"You know, for those who think Elmo is taking over Sesame Street, this is some pretty damning evidence." -Ian

"...it just makes me wonder... what if it's REALLY Oscar in an Elmo mask? Or Grover in an Oscar suit in an Elmo mask? Or a vase? Or two people kissing?" -Colin G

Semi-Finalists: Kind of Ugly
Animal and Fozzie - Sababa, 2003, submitted by Tony Whitaker
Score: 2.85

"Jesus and Fat Albert, reunited at last!" -Mary Catherine O

"Is it their wedding day? I don't understand what's happening here." -Tim H

"You'd think the folks who decided to clothe Fozzie at all could have left him his dignity, or at least his hat." -Michal R

"Me try Hare Krishna! Now world all make sense. Bah-bye!" -Tony W

"These guys are at every college party I've been to, and they're always leaving with like, 12 girls! Jackasses..." -Ian

"Does Fozzie have breasts?" -Mo W


Guy Smiley beanie - submitted by Nancy P
Score: 3.04

"It's time for everyone's favorite game show: Wire-in-the-Socket!" -Michal R

"This Guy's eyes are in different time zones!" -Justin P

"I wore my hair like that every day in elementary school." -David B

"His chin is of Jay Leno-like proportions, and his smile is eerily reminescent of Heath Ledger's Joker. Terrifying." -Mary Catherine O

"What a remarkable likeness of the time Guy Smiley stuck a fork in an electrical outlet, had his nose redone, and put on just a touch of lipstick!" -GG

"More like Guy Creepy." -Michael H


Miss Piggy in a carrot - Nanco, submitted by Joe Hennes
Score: 3.24

"Ahh, this reminds me of all the TV specials and films where Miss Piggy drove around in her patented carrot car... So many memories..." -Justin P

"This toy is perfect, and I'm insulted to see it on the list at all." -Joe H

"Token phallic joke." -Peter P

"Is that Miss Piggy in a carrot, or are you just happy to see me?" -Michal R

"Not only does Piggy not really look like Piggy, the carrot doesn't really look like a carrot either." -Grant

"I'll believe it when pigs drive carrots... aw, nuts!" -Mary Catherine O

"The only time you'll see Piggy with a carrot?" -Lara F

"Having fallen on hard times, Miss Piggy has been forced to carjack Gobo Fraggle's 1988 Happy Meal Toy, which she will sell for parts." -David B


Elmo doll - submitted by Ryan Dosier
Score: 3.38


"Elmo, dear, you can't eat that much. Your eyes are bigger than your stomach." -Justin W

"Will anyone answer Elmo's supplication, or will he fall victim to the array of classic toys behind him? You decide." -Michal R

"The David Blaine Elmo: 'I will now make my eyes levitate out of my head!'" -Kris

"He's just trying to count the number of songs he songs he sings on Songs from the Street, which is directly equal to the number of songs I skip on Songs from the Street." -David B

"I know there's a joke here. But I just can't SEE IT." -Lara F

"...isn't Elmo furry?" -Justin P


Animal finger puppet - Starbucks, 2003, submitted by DJTR
Score: 3.44

"Does the look on his face read ecstacy or pain?" -Jessica E

"I sincerely hope the candy cane is wearing protection." -Michal R

"I have one word: DUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" -Nancy P

Finalists
Kermit doll - submitted by Neil Whitman
Score: 3.56

"What kid wouldn't want his own nauseous Kermit doll?" -Joe H

"This isn't Kermit. This is the haunting, empty carcass of the frog suit that Doc Hopper wore in his French Fried Frog Legs commercials." -Peter P

"Looks like the 'good grief' grimace Kermit makes." -Mini Skunk

"What's frightening about this doll is it looks like there's still a hand inside of it." -Ian

"Collagen implants finally give Kermit the pouty lips he's always wanted." -Michael H

"How many pool tables did they slaughter to make these?" -Smig

"Twenty-five years ago you could buy flawless Kermit dolls. Has technology been moving backwards since then?" -Tim H

"And look at the meathooks on that frog!" -Justin P

Waldorf doll - Toy Factory, 2007, submitted by Tony Whitaker
Score: 4

"Who the f*** wants a Waldorf doll?" -Mo W

"Is it me, or does Waldorf resemble a sock monkey?" -Jessica E

"Hey! I bet I can make a likeness of Waldorf with really round geometric shapes and undersized doll clothes..." "You're on!" -Kris

"It's Colonel Mustard in the balcony with the poisoned tongue." -Peter P

"Whatever he's caught in that throat of his will hopefully dislodge itself soon." -Nancy P

"...who knew he had such great legs!" -Justin P

"If the real Waldorf saw this, he'd heckle himself." -Smig

"Serenity now!" -Michael H

"This is not Waldorf. This is the elderly, asymmetrically-dressed offspring of an illicit relationship between Ziggy and a sucker fish." -GG

Oscar puppet - Applause, found on Muppet Wiki
Score: 4.08

"That Oscar looks like he smells like a trash can. Nice work, Applause!" -Joe H

"It's not often you see a naked Oscar doll, and this is why." -Tony W

"I know Oscar loves trash, but he probably doesn't love the garbage truck that just ran him over." -Mary Catherine O

Second Runner-up
Count doll - submitted by Halfway Down the Stairs
Score: 4.13

"I'm sorry, I thought you said it was a Count doll. I'd better put on my monocle and look again." -Michal R

"Kinda looks like John Travolta." -Mo W

"He looks kinda like some creepy guy you keep trying to avoid at a bar... otherwise, not so bad." -Kris

"Half vampire, half werewolf, all ugy." -Ian

"Also sold as the Laverne & Shirley 'Squiggy' doll." -Mike H

"I recommend decongestants, vitamin C and lots of product." -James W

First Runner-Up

Fozzie doll - submitted by Halfway Down the Stairs

Score: 4.36

"This. Is. Hideous." -D.W.M.

"It's ugly, but the facial expression really conveys Fozzie's desperation." -Grant

"I appreciate the artistry in catching Fozzie just after the viewer has drawn back the shower curtain." -Michal R

"I thought about docking this Ugly Fozzie points for being obvious, but then I vomited all over my keyboard." -Peter P

"I feel it's almost too easy to attack Fozzie dolls anymore. I grant this one a free pass. Go hobble about your life, Fozzie doll. But if I ever see you on my property again, I'mma get my gun." -David B

"What's obnoxious about this doll isn't its looks. It's the fact that this picture looks like the doll held the camera in front of its face and took the picture itself for its Facebook profile, and really, if you have so few friends that you have to resort to doing that, you have no business on Facebook." -Ian

And now, ladies and gentleman...
The moment you've all been waiting for...
Truly one of the most hideous toys ever created...

THE WINNER

Big Bird bean bag - Knickerbocker, submitted by Tony Whitaker
Score: 4.52

"Someone beat poor Big Bird with an ugly stick, and then chopped off his toes!" -GG

"Looks like he wants a hug but I'd steer clear, kids..." -Justin P

"This is what you get when Big Bird's brother and sister decide to have a baby." -Joe H

"Oh no! I stepped on my... AAAAUUUUGGHH!!! Keanu Reeves ate my brain!!!!" -Peter P

"When the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse come a-gallopin' down Sesame Street, this toy is our first sign that the End is Near." -Quinn R

And there you have it. Thanks to everyone who voted and everyone who submitted toys! I'm already looking forward to the next pageant! (What am I, a masochist?)

Click here to talk about ug-ug-ugly Muppet toys on the Tough Pigs forum!

ToughPigsRyan@yahoo.com

Reminder: Letters to Santa

We have no doubt that you've set a myriad of alarms to remind you about the new TV movie starring the Muppets coming up this Wednesday. But in case you haven't...

Letters to Santa premieres on NBC this Wednesday, December 17, at 8pm EST!

I hope that was bold enough for you. In the meantime, here's a couple ways to get yourself primed for such a momentous event:

-Click here to add the event to your Facebook page, courtesy of writers Andrew Samson and Scott Ganz.

-Click here to read a recent interview with all three writers, Andrew, Scott, and Hugh Fink at our "rival" fan site, Muppet Central.

-Click here to watch some teaser videos.

-Come back here to ToughPigs on the day after the special for our review of Letters to Santa.
Click here to get into the Christmas spirit on the ToughPigs forum!

joe.toughpigs@gmail.com

Street Gang Activity

"Street Gang Activity"? What a terrible title for this article. It sounds like a rejected "Before and After" on Wheel of Fortune.

For years, the Muppet fan community has been hoping and praying and wishing and complaining and whining for an extensive, academic book encompassing the history of Sesame Street, along with lots of behind-the-scenes stories and photos. Man, did they listen or what!?!

Coming out this Christmas, "Street Gang: The Complete History of Sesame Street" will hit shelves. The book will contain information gathered from over 200 interviews conducted in the last 5 years, and will most likely mention Muppets once or twice in passing. Author Michael Davis has been kind enough to offer up some information to us at ToughPigs about the book and some events surrounding its release.

There will be a book tour soon after the release, which will hopefully have some Sesame faces attached. The last of the confirmed dates is the biggie: on January 30, at William Patterson University in Wayne, New Jersey, Michael Davis will moderate a panel discussion with Kevin Clash, Caroll Spinney, Sonia Manzano, Bob McGrath, Marty Robinson, David Rudman, Tony Geiss, and the one and only Frank Oz. The evening will also include a tribute to Richard Hunt. Tickets are going fast, so reserve yours right now. Go! This article will wait for you while you enter your credit card information.

The other confirmed tour dates are:

Monday, January 5, 2009
Lincoln Center Barnes and Noble, New York City

Tuesday, January 6, 2009
National Press Club, Washington DC

Thursday, January 8, 2009
Harvard Coop, Cambridge, Massachusetts

Saturday, January 10, 2009
Greetings and Readings, Hunt Valley, Maryland

Tuesday, January 27, 2009
University of Pennsylvania Bookstore, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Gershman Y, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Friday, January 30, 2009
William Patterson University, Wayne, New Jersey

From what I hear, many people in this country don't live on the east coast (s'matter with all of you?), so to make it up to the folks who won't be able to attend any of the signings, Michael Davis will send a personalized, peel-and-stick bookplate that can be pasted into your book. All you'll have to do is buy your book during the holiday season and you'll get the signature for free! What a sport, that Davis guy is.

One book that I make sure to revisit often is Caroll Spinney's "The Wisdom of Big Bird." Partly because it's a great book for a rainy day, but also because it's one of the few books to actually share these great behind-the-scenes stories from the early days of Sesame Street. For some reason, Caroll never recorded an audio version of the book, but as luck would have it, he agreed to read the audio book for Street Gang. That's a whopping 7 hours of Caroll in your head! Jim Dale, eat your heart out.

For more information, keep an eye on this space, as we'll have a review of the book up next week. Also, in early January we'll have an interview with Michael Davis himself. And there's always Street Gang's official website, which has the sole purpose of making us foam at the mouth in anticipation.
Click here for street talk on the ToughPigs forum!

joe.toughpigs@gmail.com

Vids for the Masses

Wow, it really looks like this YouTube thing is taking off! People really seem to like watching things move on their computer screens. And who can blame them? I've been watching things move in real life for years now.

The Muppets have been tossing videos online a lot recently, and we don't want any of you folks to miss out on the good ones. Which is all of them. So get your popping corn ready, because it's Movie Sign!

First up is an official (read: not fan-made) music video to promote Letters to Santa, featuring clips and outtakes from the movie. Be cautious, as spoilers abound.


Next is the furry, the funny, the fabulous Fozzie Bear, along with Bobby Flay, demonstrating how one might go about building their own Whatnot. After the show, Bobby Flay served his Whatnot with a light raspberry creme sauce and braised asparagus on the side.


Live from the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, here's Kermit singing the brand new song, "I Believe". This is not to be confused with the opening lyrics of Whitney Houston's "Greatest Love of All".


Here's a backstage view of the brand spankin' new Emmet Otter musical. Click here and scroll down a tad for the vid. It's times like these when I wish I knew anything about embedding videos in HTML. Sorry folks.

Kermit and Piggy made it to the lighting of the giant mutant tree at Rockefeller Center. Here they are introducing the very talented, and very off-screen, Harry Connick Jr.


Lastly, here's four teaser videos from NBC.com for Letters to Santa. Put your spoiler goggles on, as we've entered the SPOILER ZONE! Someone wake Kenny Loggins up.




We now return you to your regularly scheduled ToughPigs blog, now more motionless and static than ever before!

Click here to view video responses on the ToughPigs forum! Or, y'know, regular ones.

Bonus: Click here to see a fun Muppet comic strip from PvPonline.com!

joe.toughpigs@gmail.com

Ugly Muppet Toy Pageant DEADLINE! and Other Goings-on 12/9

First things first: The deadline for the Ugly Muppet Toy Pageant is this Friday, December 12th! If you haven't sent in your votes, check out the pageant and join in the fun.

Meanwhile, it's beginning to look, sound, smell, and taste a lot like Christmas. Here's some stuff that's been going on:

Kermit interview
This is actually Thanksgivingian rather than Christmassy. Before his appearance on the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, Kermit did this fun little interview with Broadway World.

5-minute preview of Letters to Santa
The new Muppet Christmas special Letters to Santa is rapidly approaching... It'll air on NBC on December 17th! NBC's posted this 5-minute chunk of the special to get us jazzed about it.

Official YouTube music video
As if that weren't exciting enough, all the Muppets who have YouTube accounts have posted a music video to promote the special. It's pretty fascinating, actually... The song is "Glad All Over," and they're using the same gimmick used by other YouTube users to make it look like the Muppets are gangsta-rapping, by matching the words of the song to the lip-synching of the... you know what? Just watch it. You'll get it.

Kermit and Piggy at Rockefeller Center
Did you happen to see Kermit and Miss Piggy on the Christmas in Rockefeller Center special last week? The whole thing is really just an excuse for celebrities to promote their current projects disguised as a bundle of holiday cheer, but hey, Muppets on TV.

We've been talking about Piggy a lot lately over on the Tough Pigs forum, and how much better she is when she's not just getting mad and karate-chopping everyone every five minutes. This time around she just was teasing Kermit for being jealous of her crush on Harry Connick Jr. It was entertaining, and she didn't even get a little bit cranky. Yay, Piggy!

Emmet Otter on stage
The live stage musical adaptation of Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas premiered this past weekend in Connecticut. You should go see it if you live near Connecticut and you like singing otters.

Click here to discuss all this stuff on the Tough Pigs forum!

ToughPigsRyan@yahoo.com

Muppet Comics: A Chat with the Editor

While we eagerly await the release of the upcoming Muppet Show comic book, due out in 2009 from BOOM! Studios, I find myself chomping at the bit, wondering what this thing's gonna be like. And that's not easy. First I had to find a bit, which is only sold in Chinatown, and then take a bite. And those things taste like black licorice. Blecch.

I had a chance to ask a few questions to Paul Morrissey, BOOM! Studios' editor for the Disney-related comics. This interview took place before I had the preview comic in-hand (which includes all of the images used in this article), which explains why I didn't ask any questions about Gonzo's beak or other script-related issues.

But don't take my word for it, here's Paul Morrissey. And, um, me.
ToughPigs: In what aspect (besides Editor in Chief) is Mark Waid involved in the Muppet comic books? I heard a rumor that he was writing some of the content, but that sounded to me to be false.

Paul Morrissey: Unfortunately, that's just a rumor. One of our press releases announcing the books was reprinted wrong on a comic news site. Though I'm sure Mark would write a brilliant Muppet comic, he's a bit too busy scripting other projects--including BOOM!'s "Incredibles" comic book.
TP: Is Roger Langridge submitting short pieces for the comic (like his one-page Muppet comic in Disney Adventures), or will he be working on full 20-30 page scripts?

PM: Roger Langridge is a mad genius, so we didn't want to restrict him to just short pieces. We miraculously found a way to have Roger write and draw full 22-page scripts. They are classic Muppets. Each one is full of hilarious skits and gags and irreverence, but Roger's stories also manage to tug at the heartstrings, too.

TP: Will Roger be the sole writer and artist for the book, or will it be a compilation of different talents?

PM: Right now, Roger is the only writer/artist on "The Muppet Show" comic. However, down the road, we'll have some exciting announcements about other writers and artists contributing their own "The Muppet Show" arcs.
TP: Are the "sequel" books (like "Muppet Prince Charming" and "Muppet Sleeping Beauty") planned already, or is that conjecture on BOOM's part?

PM: BOOM! is very much committed to having the Muppets bring their chaos to classic fairy tales and legends. Expect to see "Muppets Robin Hood" (with Sweetums as Little John!), "Muppets Peter Pan" and "Muppets King Arthur" shortly after Roger's "The Muppet Show" comic book hits stands. We're finding the funniest writers to script these projects. The tone we're aiming for is an all-ages Monty Python. That's setting the bar pretty high!

TP: Regarding the teaser comic released at the San Diego Comic Con, will there be a way for Muppet fans to see the art?

PM: BOOM! created a "Muppet Show" preview comic for San Diego Comic-Con that featured 9 pages of Roger's amazing art and hilarious gags. Most of this material is so exclusive, that it will not appear in Roger's first "The Muppet Show" arc. In fact, the preview comic has become a bit of a collector's item. I've seen them on eBay!
TP: How many issues will the first Muppet comic series run?

PM: Roger's first arc will be 4 issues. Issue #1 will focus on Kermit, issue # 2 will put Fozzie in the spotlight, Gonzo will headline issue #3, and Miss Piggy will ham it up in issue #4. Subsequent arcs, including the Muppet parody books, will also have four issue-arcs.

TP: Will there be any promotions attached to the Muppet series?

PM: Certainly! But nothing we can reveal at this point. As you may know, Disney is orchestrating the Muppets' return in a major way, and BOOM! is thrilled to a part of this new Muppet era!
Keep an eye on this space for Part 2 of our Q&A with Paul Morrissey!

Thanks to Paul for chatting with us, and special thanks to BOOM! Studios' Chip Mosher for setting the whole thing up!

Click here for an animated conversation on the ToughPigs forum!

joe.toughpigs@gmail.com

Chef Prøblem

We've heard a lot lately about Disney's big plans for the Muppets in the near future, and it's all very exciting, because it means there will soon be lots of new Muppet stuff for us to buy. I mean, we all love watching new Muppet TV specials and movies and crap like that, but what we really want is more merchandise to take up space in our houses.

I just have one very important request to present to whoever is in charge of these things: Please never use this image of the Swedish Chef again.


I have no idea how long this photo has been around... Since the early 2000s at least, and probably longer. But I've seen it on jigsaw puzzles, coasters, magnets, and various other merchandise for years, and it just showed up on the new 2009 Muppet calendar.

Did nobody at the photo session realize that this pose makes it look like the Chef is smoking a joint? It's practically begging for a quick, effortless PhotoShop job! In fact, I'm going to do an image search right now and show you all the different places on the web where people have taken this shot and turned the Chef into a pothead.

. . .

Huh. Okay. Well, I can't find any. For the first time ever, I'm actually disappointed that the people of the internet have refrained from corrupting one of my favorite family-friendly characters.

But my point still stands! It's not like this is a trademark gesture for the Chef. Has he ever even done this? Usually he uses his hands for much broader movements, like throwing rolling pins, or throwing spoons, or throwing chickens. Basically, he throws stuff. And anyway, it's not like there aren't other, better shots available. What's wrong with this one?


Isn't that better? Why can't that be the default Chef shot? So far all I've done is complain, but I want to help too. So here are my suggestions for Five Other Things for the Swedish Chef to Do with His Hands:

1. Smack a lobster.
   
2. Perform the old "detachable thumb" trick.
3. Juggle.
4. Toss a pizza.
5. Some other thing.

I've made my point, and now it's time to take action. I strongly recommend that all Muppet fans, Swedish or not, join me in aggressively rolling our eyes every time we see that picture from now on. I believe it will make a real difference. Thank you for your time.

Click here to roll up and discuss this article at my favorite joint, the Tough Pigs forum!

ToughPigsRyan@yahoo.com