The Muppet Show Haiku Project! Season Five

Wow. One hundred twenty Muppet haiku poems. It seems like just yesterday that Tough Pigs pal David Beukema started writing a haiku for every single episode of The Muppet Show... and now here we are at the final season. If you haven't seen the previous seasons' haiku, check out season one, season two, season three, and season four. And now I'll turn it over to David for the last batch of poetry.

Episode 501: Gene Kelly
Suave Gene serenades
Piggy, then Gonzo. Now, that’s
Versatility!






Episode 502: Loretta Swit
Thog makes the earth move,
Proving once and for all that
Seismic does matter.







Episode 503: Joan Baez
A rat coup d'état?!
Dear God, can you imagine?
Kiss New York good-bye...







Episode 504: Shirley Bassey
Fifty mil in gold
Buys more than a Goldfinger
Buy the whole Goldhand!







Episode 505: James Coburn
Calming Animal
With Buddhist meditation?
Yeah … good luck, Coburn.







Episode 506: Brooke Shields
Um, when you guys are
Done being brillig, please leave.
You’re freaking me out.







Episode 507: Glenda Jackson
Theaters ahoy!
This gives a new meaning to
Being all at sea.







Episode 508: Senor Wences
Lew Zealand’s manners
Are atrocious, but he sure
Hammers his point home.







Episode 509: Debbie Harry
The Frog Scouts go punk.

These kids, with their "rock 'n roll"...

And get off my lawn!







Episode 510: Jean-Pierre Rampal
Rockin’ in treetops
Works for birds, but you best have
A parachute, Zoot.







Episode 511: Paul Simon
Gonzo checks into
Vet’s Hospital. Pity it’s
Not for a nose job.







Episode 512: Melissa Manchester
The Chef chases some
Bouncing chickens with a knife –
Poultry in motion.







Episode 513: Tony Randall
Tony turns Piggy
Into solid stone. At least
Now she’s lost some weight.







Episode 514: Mac Davis
Multiple Beakers
Are really pissed at Bunsen.
They’re beside themselves!







Episode 515: Carol Burnett
Carol shouldn’t be
A lonely asparagus.
She looks quite tasty!








Episode 516: Gladys Knight
In ancient Egypt,
Singing mummies show us they
Can carry a tomb.







Episode 517: Hal Linden
The two old guys host,
While Fozzie gets to heckle.
A bear’s sweet revenge…







Episode 518: Marty Feldman
Googly eyes abound
When Marty and Cookie meet.
Long lost twin brothers?







Episode 519: Chris Langham
Hawaiian Cowboy
And Zen skiing – Chris Langham’s
A renaissance man!







Episode 520: Wally Boag
Leprechaun Brothers
Are easy to understand –
If you speak Moron.







Episode 521: Johnny Cash
Johnny insults Rowlf –
Or is “Egg-Sucking Dog” a
Term of endearment?







Episode 522: Buddy Rich
Buddy’s drum battle
With Animal results in
A sore winner! Ouch.







Episode 523: Linda Ronstadt
Linda Ronstadt sings
"When I Grow Too Old To Dream".
Sniff ... where's my Kleenex?







Episode 524: Roger Moore
Hey, join the navy!
All the ducks you can steal and
A great dental plan!

And there you have it! One hundred twenty episodes, one hundred twenty haiku. My thanks once again to David Beukema for his great work, and to Muppet Wiki for image assistance.

Click here to talk about mummies, asparagus, and egg-sucking dogs on the Tough Pigs forum!

ToughPigsRyan@yahoo.com

The Muppet Show Haiku Project! Season Four

Hey, remember when Tough Pigs' close personal friend David Beukema wrote some terrific and entertaining haiku for season one, season two, and season three of The Muppet Show? Sure you do. Now guess which season he's doing haiku for this week.

TIME'S UP! It's season four. Go for it, David!

Episode 401: John Denver
John and the Muppets
Start a great friendship with some
Moldy truffle jokes.






Episode 402: Crystal Gayle
Klepto prairie dogs
Run amok and rob Kermit
Of his modesty.






Episode 403: Shields and Yarnell
Take a chance on me!
Well, if you don’t mind heights or
Electrocution.







Episode 404: Dyan Cannon
Floyd has great advice
For reluctant dog-sitters:
Breathe through the keyhole.







Episode 405: Victor Borge
Borge’s Beethoven
Is very beautiful and
Cures insomnia.







Episode 406: Linda Lavin
Statler and Waldorf
Reminisce about their youth.
What was Caesar like?







Episode 407: Dudley Moore
No one likes M.A.M.M.A.
Not the band, not Kermit – it
Ain’t R2-D2!







Episode 408: Arlo Guthrie
Cows sing Elegance,
Which is an udder delight.
(Sorry. Don’t hurt me.)







Episode 409: Beverly Sills
Spoon hanging’s an art
For famous sopranos and
Culture purveyors.







Episode 410: Kenny Rogers
The frog, he bought a
Coconut. And also some
Acid, it would seem…






Episode 411: Lola Falana
Gonzo is off to
Bombay, India to star
In “Slumdog Weirdo”.







Episode 412: Phyllis George
The coveted Fred
Is an award like none else.
‘Cept bowling trophies…







Episode 413: Dizzy Gillespie
Dizzy’s bulging cheeks
Must rival even a frog’s –
They’re green with envy.







Episode 414: Liza Minnelli
Liza Minnelli
Singing Barry Manilow?!
I'm in gay heaven!







Episode 415: Anne Murray
Piggy gets around,
But don’t tell her I said so –
I value my life.







Episode 416: Jonathan Winters
Gypsies curse the show
For a measly seven bucks.
Seems the same to me!







Episode 417: Star Wars
Mark gargles Gershwin,
But that’s not really my style.
I burble Berlin!







Episode 418: Christopher Reeve
Floyd, Janice, and Bo
Irk Sam – it’s not that hard to
Ruffle his feathers.







Episode 419: Lynda Carter
Rezal-evad-gib
Eats the Muppet Newsman twice.
Now that’s a square meal.







Episode 420: Alan Arkin
Fozzie’s got rhythm.
Well, if by “rhythm”, you mean
Absolutely none.







Episode 421: Doug Henning
Fozzie somehow pulls
A rabbi out of a hat.
Is that hat kosher?







Episode 422: Andy Williams
Andy’s dorky laugh
Gets kicked up by the thought of
Bouncing baby figs.







Episode 423: Carol Channing
Does this episode
Have a guest star? Cause clearly,
Carol’s a Muppet.







Episode 424: Diana Ross
Beaker has Feelings,
But he sure doesn’t have a
Recording contract.

Thanks again to David for the groovy haiku! And big thanks to Muppet Wiki for huge major assistance with images! Click here to talk about moldy truffle jokes and kosher hats on the Tough Pigs forum!

ToughPigsRyan@yahoo.com

The Muppet Show Haiku Project! Season Three

If it's Thursday, that means it's time for more Muppet Show haiku from Tough Pigs' own David Beukema! David has already taken on season one and season two, so this week he's tackling season three. Take it away, David!

Episode 301: Kris Kristofferson & Rita Coolidge
Gladys may be the
Ugliest Muppet ever –
And I’ve seen Ma Gorg!







Episode 302: Leo Sayer
Please don’t dance, Leo.
We like you, your song is fun,
But, good God, don’t dance!






Episode 303: Roy Clark
The Swinetrek’s toaster
Allows some guests to pop in.
It’s Beaker in spaaaaaaaaaace!






Episode 304: Gilda Radner
Don’t eat your veggies?
Well, please meet my good friend, The
Seven-Foot Carrot!







Episode 305: Pearl Bailey
Floyd’s suit of armor
Has him down. And we’ll need a
Crane to get him up.






Episode 306: Jean Stapleton
The Chef lives a lie.
He doesn’t speak real Swedish.
Geez, who can you trust?







Episode 307: Alice Cooper
Gee, that stalagmite
Sure takes his oral hygiene
For granite. (Sorry.)







Episode 308: Loretta Lynn
The Rhyming Song gang
Should watch more Sesame Street
And learn what rhymes are.







Episode 309: Liberace
I can’t decide what’s
Creepier: Liberace
Or those bird dancers…






Episode 310: Marisa Berenson
Piggy’s wedding plot
Is thwarted by flying fish.
That’s pretty crappie.






Episode 311: Raquel Welch
Raquel Welch turns on
A bunch of horny Muppets.
Watch out for felt burn!







Episode 312: James Coco
I’d like to be in
An octopus’ garden …
But not with that fish!






Episode 313: Helen Reddy
Sopwith the Camel
Dances with Helen Reddy.
My lifelong dream. Sigh.







Episode 314: Harry Belafonte
Beauregard almost
Makes Harry’s opening song
“The Onion Boat Song”.






Episode 315: Lesley Ann Warren
Lesley and Warren
Make great guest stars. And they make
A better salad!






Episode 316: Danny Kaye
Dull Clive Cahuenga
Is still a lot better than
That lousy Kaye guy.






Episode 317: Spike Milligan
There’s Spike Milligan!
Quick, get the butterfly net
And the straitjacket!






Episode 318: Leslie Uggams
“Then Gonzo hit on
Big Bird!”, I struggle to say
To my therapist.







Episode 319: Elke Sommer
Bobby Benson’s band
Is just wrong. Won’t someone please
Think of the children?!







Episode 320: Sylvester Stallone
Sly Stallone singing?
Please bring back the Mummenschanz.
At least they’re quiet.







Episode 321: Roger Miller
The pilgrim penguins
Discover a bright, new land
Of sneezing chickens.







Episode 322: Roy Rogers and Dale Evans
The show goes country.
It’s a good thing Piggy’s gone
Or she’d get hog-tied.







Episode 323: Lynn Redgrave
“Psst. How goes the night?”
“Hmm. Quiet, but still.” “Still what?”
“Still an awful joke!”







Episode 324: Cheryl Ladd
Piggy and Cheryl
Enjoy being girls. Also:
Thrashing helpless frogs.

Thanks to David Beukema for the spiffy haiku! Click here to discuss sneezing chickens and vegetable guest stars on the Tough Pigs forum!

ToughPigsRyan@yahoo.com